Dear John, Dear Samantha

Its been more than a year now. I miss you so much. Every time something happens in my life good or bad I want to call you. I want to tell you whats happening. How the crazy family is doing with out you; how all the kids are doing; mainly I just want to hear your voice one more time. I want to hear you say my name "Hey Beck!" the way only you could. I want to hear your laugh. I want to see your wonderful face!

I moved back home to Pittsburgh. Kevin and I have a house nested in the woods just like you would imagine Kevin would have. I love my new job. It is just the job I have wanted. I wish I could tell you that.
My daughter's divorce is final a year now, I wish I could talk to you about all the details and everything that has happened since then, tell you about the crazy things her boys say and do. My son has a new position as a senior pastor of a church, you would be so proud of him, you would love his family.

Mom is doing ok. She is taking less medications now and seems a lot like her old self, although just as crazy.

Our sister, you know the one you who says you are her favorite, she is still hurting. Having a really rough time with the loss of you. She walks through each day but is really not dealing well.

We still cry a lot. I miss you so much!
Your Loving Sister

Dear Sam,

Just one short year ago from today you were fighting so very hard to get your life back! You had hope that you would come home to your family. But that never happened. I wish I could have come to see you.
I miss you sweetheart! I cry for you too.
Your loving aunt

Dear John

Dear John,

I can't believe it has been 9 months since your gone. I never thought this would happen. Our hearts are broken. I know we sometimes didn't talk for a little while but not this long. We are all trying to get on with our lives, but you were such a vital part of our lives we don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. Who am I supposed to talk to to help me make sense of our crazy family? It's been you for so long. Who is supposed to put funny pictures on Facebook or crazy comments on my posts? Other's try but there are not you. Who is supposed to help me keep this family together without letting me get in too deep? Who is supposed to keep us laughing when things look dim?

It's so hard! I can not imagine what we will do for the rest of our lives without you here.  Everyone is feeling the pain. I know it is not just me. We are all broken without you!
People say time will heal your wounds but time is only making us miss you more! I have big changes going on in my life right now and I need to talk to my little-big brother! I miss you so much! Only you knew what to say with the exactly right humor to help every situation feel better. You could let me know when I was being ridiculous in such a way that I would end up laughing at myself. You did that John!! I need that NOW!!! I need that now!! I want to hear your voice! I want to hear you say my name "Beck!".

Everyday I think of things I should, could or want to tell you. I want to talk to you about our little brother who is making some bold moves now. He misses you too. We all do! I have a new home now in our home town, you would love it! I wish you could see it. In my heart I know you do but.....
Our little brother is going to take a big step on his own tomorrow as I leave to go on a vacation with my son, I know he wishes he could talk to you about it, but...

The craziest part of all is we never saw this coming! I am so glad that I went on that vacation last year because I go to spend so much time with you and get so many hugs! I look back now and cherish every moment!
I think I will miss you as long as I am alive! I am not sure how this gets better. People say its gets better with time, maybe it does but I do not see it!

I will love you for the rest of my life until I see you again in eternity.
Your sister

CH- CH- CH- Changes

2017 brings changes a new job, a new city, a new home, a house for sale. Many changes. I got a position I had wanted for a long time. It is exactly the position I went to school to do. I am loving it! What I am not loving is selling and buying a home. The position is in another state. It is great because it is back home. Yes, I get to move home!! But, all the work that comes with it is trying. At times very over whelming. Yesterday we got an offer on our home in Ohio. It was very low, so we countered. Now we are waiting. (I hate waiting!) My hubby and I went to look at a few houses today. One potential house but it still had some quirks. Do I want to live there for the rest of my life. I am not sure. So today I am a little frustrated and perplexed.
You see I believe this is a God thing. I believe this is all his plan and He has the right house for us somewhere. It is my problem I do not like to wait.
I also do not like to be separated from my husband. I am staying with my sister and my hubby is staying at our home in Ohio. He is in for the weekend with our dogs at his brother's house. We have very spoiled labs.
So, I just needed to get all this off my chest and put it out there so I can get it out of my head.
And so its here........

The year 2016 am I ready for 2017??

Well, it's New Year's Eve time to ring in another year. Honestly I do not remember what I was doing last year at this time, probably the something I am doing now sitting in my living room watching TV while my husband slept in our bedroom.

I am hesitant about this next year; actually I am a little scared. You see last year I looked to the new year as new beginning, a bright future with a blank slate. In 2015, I lost a treasured uncle in the spring and then in September I lost my cousin who was in his 40's. So the thought of a new fresh year was enlightening. I graduated with my Master's degree in January and got a position where I could use my education it was very exciting. Shortly after I started my job, my daughter had some issues which turned out to be a bit scary. (these are her issues I will not talk about them here.) I lost another cousin who happened to be the brother of the cousin I had lost just nine months before, he was in his early 40's and died of a drug overdose. His dad my uncle had lost both of his children, it was heartbreaking. A few months later my niece suffered a heart attack and almost lost her life, but she pulled through. She started a fight that would last months. She had her ups and downs but we considered her a miracle.
In July we went on vacation with my sister her family, my brother John and his family, and my mom. My other sister joined us there. It was a wonderful time. I had not seen my brother for 2 years; we laughed, we hugged, we laughed and hugged some more. The best part of the whole vacation was spending time with my brother!
In October we lost my uncle, the father of the two cousins who had just died. But, my world stopped the morning of October 17; my phone rang at 5am. It was my sister calling. I thought about not answering but instead I answered. She told me our dear brother had a heart attack! He was in an ambulance headed to the hospital but it did not look good! All I really remember after that is screaming "O my God!" several times. My husband came into the room and asked what happened and I told him through my tears! Less than an hour later I got the news my dear wonderful, loving brother had died. He was 41! How could this happen!!!!  We all headed to Maine to be with my brother's family and my mom. It was awful and great all at the same time. It was awful because he was not there! He was treasured by every one of us! you see in a big family there are aways fights and squabbles between this sibling and that one. But John, did not have that with any of us! All he wanted was for our family to pull together. Be a family, now we were all at his house that he treasured where he wanted us all to come and spend time with him and he was not there!!! It just did and still does not seem fair!!!! After a week were all supposed to return to our normal lives. Normal lives? Our lives will never be normal again, because our brother John, my mom's baby, my sister in law's soul mate, my nephew and nieces dad would not be in our lives any more.
We all suffered through our daily lives without him trying to be normal.
Even my niece who was fighting to get her health back, was devastated about the loss.  I talked to her frequently when she was feeling down and defeated to give her hope to continue her fight. Her fight ended on December 23! Two days before Christmas! Another early am phone call this one at 1:30 am was my other niece her sister telling me Sam had passed away! It was 2 days before Christmas!!!!

Now it's New Year's Eve and we are looking at another year. How do I feel about that. I am terrified! My husband has the flu right now with a fever and it scares me to death! I know it is an irrational fear, after all it is just the flu and his fever has broken he is feeling a bit better. But yet, I am still terrified! We have another brother who has the same gene pool as my brother John. I am scared that he will suffer the same fate! Another niece is having problems with her health, I am scared, terrified about that. I am so afraid that we will loose someone else this year.

I am a Christian women, I trust God and know He has a plan for my life. I also know I could not make it through one day of this year and the years to come without Him. Most days I can put aside my fear and rest in His mercy. But then there are days like today, when I am afraid of everything.  Days like today when I want to hide in my bed away from the world, these are exactly the days I NEED to get out of bed and move on. The world gets scarier and scarier every day. I realize I can give up and give into the fear or I can move on and live the life the Lord has planned for me no matter what happens. Am I ready for this? I really do not know.......It is a daily journey......

Hopefully tomorrow will not only bring a new year but a new hope. You see I will always as long as I live miss my brother and my niece but I know they are celebrating with Him this year! My brother with our beloved Nana and Pap, his dad and other family members. My niece with her daughter, Heather, she lost years ago, her dad and my brother!

Lost and Heartbroken.....wondering why and how this could happen

We lost our brother on Monday, he was only 41. Our hearts are broken, and we can't stop crying. He was an awesome guy, who loved his family!
 I was the oldest of 4 sisters, and when he was born I was 13 years old.  He was the first boy. I  thought it was awesome for my mom to have a baby when I was 13 year old; the fact that the new baby was a boy made it even better!
My wonderful brother was always a joy to our lives. He always made us laugh,  because he was a jokester from the beginning.
From a very early age John had ways to make everyone laugh; after all he had a captive audience of four sisters who just adored him. Eleven months and eleven days after he was born he would be joined by our youngest brother.  After the youngest was born, we became a family of six children born to my mom.  None of us were bothered by the fact that we had different fathers, we were siblings and we adored each other.  We were Family!
As John grew he became the big brother, even though all his sister were older than him. He loved taking on the role of big brother. I often called him my little-big brother. I remember an incident when he was just a teenager. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, bought me a small golden cross with a chip of diamond in it. When my brother, John, saw it he told me there was a diamond in it, so my husband must have spent a lot of money on it; therfore I should make sure I took care of it.
Recently my daughter has been going through a bad divorce; at one point we thought we may have to get her and her boys away quickly to keep them safe. MY brother said they should come to be with him, because he would make sure they were taken care of. He even offered to go out to the west coast with my husband when he went to my daughters side for the first part of the divorce hearings.

He met his wife, my dear sister in law, when he was a teenager befriending her first.  The he proved the kind of man he was when they became a couple, because she was pregnant with my nephew.  John stepped in and took over the role of husband and dad from the moment they became a couple.  He became my nephews dad even though he was not his biological father, because that did't matter with him.  He was his father in every other sense of the word. My nephew is in college now and a brilliant young man.  My brother and his wife also have two beautiful daughters.   He was a terrific dad, husband, brother, and son!

John was also a prankster and loved to play pranks on all of us. There were many pranks over the years. I remember a family vacation when we all went to bed he lined all the door knobs with peanut butter. He also put plastic cups of water on the ceiling fan. We all saw them there, and told him about it. The problem was we did not move the cups, so when no one was paying attention, he silently turned on the fan. As a result he made it rain in the room causing all of us scream. He laughed so hard.
He loved food and cooking. He often showed his love for food by cooking for everyone; then he would post his masterpieces on Facebook.

He gave the world's best hugs! He could engulf you in his arms, and hold on to you so you felt totally loved in his arms. I could really use one of those hugs right now!

That was our brother. He loved us all so much, and all he wanted was for everyone to come to Maine. That way we would all be together. He bought a huge house so everyone could fit in it when we visited. The house he bought also had a separate house for our mom right next door.
The biggest regret we will all carry with us, is we were too late coming to his home.  We are all here now, in John's house, where we can see his touches in every room, but he is not here with us.

We are now and forever will be heart broken! We love you John Laurence Taylor III.  You will always and forever be our little-big brother! We are so sad, because you will not be in our world any more.  We look forward to seeing you again some day, but as long as we are in this world, we'll be missing you!