Saturday, December 31, 2016

The year 2016 am I ready for 2017??

Well, it's New Year's Eve time to ring in another year. Honestly I do not remember what I was doing last year at this time, probably the something I am doing now sitting in my living room watching TV while my husband slept in our bedroom.

I am hesitant about this next year; actually I am a little scared. You see last year I looked to the new year as new beginning, a bright future with a blank slate. In 2015, I lost a treasured uncle in the spring and then in September I lost my cousin who was in his 40's. So the thought of a new fresh year was enlightening. I graduated with my Master's degree in January and got a position where I could use my education it was very exciting. Shortly after I started my job, my daughter had some issues which turned out to be a bit scary. (these are her issues I will not talk about them here.) I lost another cousin who happened to be the brother of the cousin I had lost just nine months before, he was in his early 40's and died of a drug overdose. His dad my uncle had lost both of his children, it was heartbreaking. A few months later my niece suffered a heart attack and almost lost her life, but she pulled through. She started a fight that would last months. She had her ups and downs but we considered her a miracle.
In July we went on vacation with my sister her family, my brother John and his family, and my mom. My other sister joined us there. It was a wonderful time. I had not seen my brother for 2 years; we laughed, we hugged, we laughed and hugged some more. The best part of the whole vacation was spending time with my brother!
In October we lost my uncle, the father of the two cousins who had just died. But, my world stopped the morning of October 17; my phone rang at 5am. It was my sister calling. I thought about not answering but instead I answered. She told me our dear brother had a heart attack! He was in an ambulance headed to the hospital but it did not look good! All I really remember after that is screaming "O my God!" several times. My husband came into the room and asked what happened and I told him through my tears! Less than an hour later I got the news my dear wonderful, loving brother had died. He was 41! How could this happen!!!!  We all headed to Maine to be with my brother's family and my mom. It was awful and great all at the same time. It was awful because he was not there! He was treasured by every one of us! you see in a big family there are aways fights and squabbles between this sibling and that one. But John, did not have that with any of us! All he wanted was for our family to pull together. Be a family, now we were all at his house that he treasured where he wanted us all to come and spend time with him and he was not there!!! It just did and still does not seem fair!!!! After a week were all supposed to return to our normal lives. Normal lives? Our lives will never be normal again, because our brother John, my mom's baby, my sister in law's soul mate, my nephew and nieces dad would not be in our lives any more.
We all suffered through our daily lives without him trying to be normal.
Even my niece who was fighting to get her health back, was devastated about the loss.  I talked to her frequently when she was feeling down and defeated to give her hope to continue her fight. Her fight ended on December 23! Two days before Christmas! Another early am phone call this one at 1:30 am was my other niece her sister telling me Sam had passed away! It was 2 days before Christmas!!!!

Now it's New Year's Eve and we are looking at another year. How do I feel about that. I am terrified! My husband has the flu right now with a fever and it scares me to death! I know it is an irrational fear, after all it is just the flu and his fever has broken he is feeling a bit better. But yet, I am still terrified! We have another brother who has the same gene pool as my brother John. I am scared that he will suffer the same fate! Another niece is having problems with her health, I am scared, terrified about that. I am so afraid that we will loose someone else this year.

I am a Christian women, I trust God and know He has a plan for my life. I also know I could not make it through one day of this year and the years to come without Him. Most days I can put aside my fear and rest in His mercy. But then there are days like today, when I am afraid of everything.  Days like today when I want to hide in my bed away from the world, these are exactly the days I NEED to get out of bed and move on. The world gets scarier and scarier every day. I realize I can give up and give into the fear or I can move on and live the life the Lord has planned for me no matter what happens. Am I ready for this? I really do not know.......It is a daily journey......

Hopefully tomorrow will not only bring a new year but a new hope. You see I will always as long as I live miss my brother and my niece but I know they are celebrating with Him this year! My brother with our beloved Nana and Pap, his dad and other family members. My niece with her daughter, Heather, she lost years ago, her dad and my brother!

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Lost and Heartbroken.....wondering why and how this could happen

We lost our brother on Monday, he was only 41. Our hearts are broken, and we can't stop crying. He was an awesome guy, who loved his family!
 I was the oldest of 4 sisters, and when he was born I was 13 years old.  He was the first boy. I  thought it was awesome for my mom to have a baby when I was 13 year old; the fact that the new baby was a boy made it even better!
My wonderful brother was always a joy to our lives. He always made us laugh,  because he was a jokester from the beginning.
From a very early age John had ways to make everyone laugh; after all he had a captive audience of four sisters who just adored him. Eleven months and eleven days after he was born he would be joined by our youngest brother.  After the youngest was born, we became a family of six children born to my mom.  None of us were bothered by the fact that we had different fathers, we were siblings and we adored each other.  We were Family!
As John grew he became the big brother, even though all his sister were older than him. He loved taking on the role of big brother. I often called him my little-big brother. I remember an incident when he was just a teenager. My boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, bought me a small golden cross with a chip of diamond in it. When my brother, John, saw it he told me there was a diamond in it, so my husband must have spent a lot of money on it; therfore I should make sure I took care of it.
Recently my daughter has been going through a bad divorce; at one point we thought we may have to get her and her boys away quickly to keep them safe. MY brother said they should come to be with him, because he would make sure they were taken care of. He even offered to go out to the west coast with my husband when he went to my daughters side for the first part of the divorce hearings.

He met his wife, my dear sister in law, when he was a teenager befriending her first.  The he proved the kind of man he was when they became a couple, because she was pregnant with my nephew.  John stepped in and took over the role of husband and dad from the moment they became a couple.  He became my nephews dad even though he was not his biological father, because that did't matter with him.  He was his father in every other sense of the word. My nephew is in college now and a brilliant young man.  My brother and his wife also have two beautiful daughters.   He was a terrific dad, husband, brother, and son!

John was also a prankster and loved to play pranks on all of us. There were many pranks over the years. I remember a family vacation when we all went to bed he lined all the door knobs with peanut butter. He also put plastic cups of water on the ceiling fan. We all saw them there, and told him about it. The problem was we did not move the cups, so when no one was paying attention, he silently turned on the fan. As a result he made it rain in the room causing all of us scream. He laughed so hard.
He loved food and cooking. He often showed his love for food by cooking for everyone; then he would post his masterpieces on Facebook.

He gave the world's best hugs! He could engulf you in his arms, and hold on to you so you felt totally loved in his arms. I could really use one of those hugs right now!

That was our brother. He loved us all so much, and all he wanted was for everyone to come to Maine. That way we would all be together. He bought a huge house so everyone could fit in it when we visited. The house he bought also had a separate house for our mom right next door.
The biggest regret we will all carry with us, is we were too late coming to his home.  We are all here now, in John's house, where we can see his touches in every room, but he is not here with us.

We are now and forever will be heart broken! We love you John Laurence Taylor III.  You will always and forever be our little-big brother! We are so sad, because you will not be in our world any more.  We look forward to seeing you again some day, but as long as we are in this world, we'll be missing you!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Life moves on and things change....some times great sometimes not so great

It's been kind of hard to keep up here and then I forgot how to log into the account which makes it even harder. I can't remember when I posted last. 
But the last year has brought a lot of change in our family. I had a surgery lost 95 pounds was cured of diabetes; Praise the Lord! That is one of the wonderful things that has happened. I graduated with my Master's degree in nursing, I recently we had a new addition to our family a new grandson! All wonderful! The not so wonderful a divorce in the family. That is not easy or wonderful at all.

As the mom and Memaw watching the ones you love suffer through this is not great at all. As I write this I am with those family members. My grandsons are watching some videos on the computer and my daughter is here too. The past year for them has not been easy at all. This divorce has been ugly and painful for all. It should all be over this week, hopefully. 

I am not writing today to go over any details or put any of their business out there. I am writing as a mom and Memaw watching. It's really hard! I see my daughter broken and hurting, that is terribly hard to watch. She was always such a strong person.  Now she is trying to find that strength again. I can't do anything to help in the process; I am helpless. That is not a fun place for a mom to be when their child is hurting. I come to visit to help with that process and I get emotional which does not help. 
I see my grandsons crying because of lies they were told; it is hard. 

Tonight, I getting ready to go back home across the country from my daughter and her sons. I am sad. It helps me to know she has a family of friends here. I have met several of them and I am so thankful to them. They have become family to her, they provide support, comfort and laughter to her life and the to the boys.

I just have to end by giving praise to the Lord for everything!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

It has been a while

Hello again, everyone. It has been a while since I have been here. A lot has happened in the two years I have been gone. 
Last year I finally had a gastric by-pass surgery to help with my diabetes. I am happy to say "Praise the Lord!!" The surgery healed my diabetes! I stopped taking insulin days after the surgery and now a year past the surgery I have lost a total of 85 pounds. I usually fluctuate between 80-90 pounds lost. All of my labs are now normal and I have been taken off all my medications I was on before the surgery. I only take a stomach medicine. I also take a whole lot of vitamins now but no more medications!! I am blogging about that on a word press it is if any one wants to check that out.
In January I graduated with my Master's program in nursing!!! This was a chore but I completed it with a lot of prayer and tears. I am now working at a School of Nursing which has been a dream of mine for a long time. This was a major answer to prayer!!!
My wonderful husband has retired from the steel mill after 20 years of service. In October of last year he retired; at the moment he is my house husband! I love it!! I found out we have a laundry day!!Married over 30 years and I did not know we had a laundry day!! LOL!! I just did laundry as we needed to do it!  Now I have a laundry day!!! He is talking about getting a part time job but I have to say I will miss my house husband!
We have 5 grand children now and one on the way 4 boys, one girl and one boy on the way. We are very excited about that!

I am hoping to keep up a little better here now that I remember how to get back in.
I am off to spend some time with my family now! I will write about it soon!!
I also have to update these pictures!!