Saturday, December 31, 2016

The year 2016 am I ready for 2017??

Well, it's New Year's Eve time to ring in another year. Honestly I do not remember what I was doing last year at this time, probably the something I am doing now sitting in my living room watching TV while my husband slept in our bedroom.

I am hesitant about this next year; actually I am a little scared. You see last year I looked to the new year as new beginning, a bright future with a blank slate. In 2015, I lost a treasured uncle in the spring and then in September I lost my cousin who was in his 40's. So the thought of a new fresh year was enlightening. I graduated with my Master's degree in January and got a position where I could use my education it was very exciting. Shortly after I started my job, my daughter had some issues which turned out to be a bit scary. (these are her issues I will not talk about them here.) I lost another cousin who happened to be the brother of the cousin I had lost just nine months before, he was in his early 40's and died of a drug overdose. His dad my uncle had lost both of his children, it was heartbreaking. A few months later my niece suffered a heart attack and almost lost her life, but she pulled through. She started a fight that would last months. She had her ups and downs but we considered her a miracle.
In July we went on vacation with my sister her family, my brother John and his family, and my mom. My other sister joined us there. It was a wonderful time. I had not seen my brother for 2 years; we laughed, we hugged, we laughed and hugged some more. The best part of the whole vacation was spending time with my brother!
In October we lost my uncle, the father of the two cousins who had just died. But, my world stopped the morning of October 17; my phone rang at 5am. It was my sister calling. I thought about not answering but instead I answered. She told me our dear brother had a heart attack! He was in an ambulance headed to the hospital but it did not look good! All I really remember after that is screaming "O my God!" several times. My husband came into the room and asked what happened and I told him through my tears! Less than an hour later I got the news my dear wonderful, loving brother had died. He was 41! How could this happen!!!!  We all headed to Maine to be with my brother's family and my mom. It was awful and great all at the same time. It was awful because he was not there! He was treasured by every one of us! you see in a big family there are aways fights and squabbles between this sibling and that one. But John, did not have that with any of us! All he wanted was for our family to pull together. Be a family, now we were all at his house that he treasured where he wanted us all to come and spend time with him and he was not there!!! It just did and still does not seem fair!!!! After a week were all supposed to return to our normal lives. Normal lives? Our lives will never be normal again, because our brother John, my mom's baby, my sister in law's soul mate, my nephew and nieces dad would not be in our lives any more.
We all suffered through our daily lives without him trying to be normal.
Even my niece who was fighting to get her health back, was devastated about the loss.  I talked to her frequently when she was feeling down and defeated to give her hope to continue her fight. Her fight ended on December 23! Two days before Christmas! Another early am phone call this one at 1:30 am was my other niece her sister telling me Sam had passed away! It was 2 days before Christmas!!!!

Now it's New Year's Eve and we are looking at another year. How do I feel about that. I am terrified! My husband has the flu right now with a fever and it scares me to death! I know it is an irrational fear, after all it is just the flu and his fever has broken he is feeling a bit better. But yet, I am still terrified! We have another brother who has the same gene pool as my brother John. I am scared that he will suffer the same fate! Another niece is having problems with her health, I am scared, terrified about that. I am so afraid that we will loose someone else this year.

I am a Christian women, I trust God and know He has a plan for my life. I also know I could not make it through one day of this year and the years to come without Him. Most days I can put aside my fear and rest in His mercy. But then there are days like today, when I am afraid of everything.  Days like today when I want to hide in my bed away from the world, these are exactly the days I NEED to get out of bed and move on. The world gets scarier and scarier every day. I realize I can give up and give into the fear or I can move on and live the life the Lord has planned for me no matter what happens. Am I ready for this? I really do not know.......It is a daily journey......

Hopefully tomorrow will not only bring a new year but a new hope. You see I will always as long as I live miss my brother and my niece but I know they are celebrating with Him this year! My brother with our beloved Nana and Pap, his dad and other family members. My niece with her daughter, Heather, she lost years ago, her dad and my brother!