Tuesday, March 31, 2009

There is always hope

I went to a memorial service today for a 28 year old man who took his own life. He was the twin brother of my daughter's best friend's husband. Sharon could not be there for her friend because she lives on the other side of the country so she asked me to go to represent her. It was truly sad. What can you say to a family member when something like this happens? I went gave Tara the hugs she would have gotten from Sharon and silently prayed for her husband who was caught up in all the family stuff going on. He saw me and knew I was there, although I am sure Tara told him. It just made me think.....about my brother who thinks his life is not worth living at times....I cried when the preacher talked about how the family would miss him and would need support for long after the memorial service...I cried when he talked about how family is family and still love each other no matter what.....
It made me think; is there anything here on this earth that can be so bad as to want to take your own life???? I remember when I was a teenager and thought those thoughts. I never gave a thought to those who may be suffering because of my actions. I wonder if this young man thought about his family at all and the pain they will have to live with....
It made me think; there is always hope! We have a God who is screaming out to us in every way he can from the trees and the flowers to the all the wonders of nature. From all the miracles that take place daily from birth to death He is there and has been through it all so He knows what it is to feel like there is no hope and He conquered that feeling. He rose from the dead so we can have life and have it abundantly not so we could despair enough to take our own lives.....
My heart goes with this family as they walk through the whys of how this happened and the anger of knowing their loved one took his own life............I will pray for them to be able to go on...and maybe someday they will meet him again...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Alphabet Game

Alphabet Game
I've been uninspired to blog lately so when I saw this game at my friend Gina's blog, and Cindy's blog I decided it would be fun.
A is for your age: 47
B is for your burger of choice: cheese burger with ketchup
C is for the car that you drive: Jeep Cherokee
D is for dog's name: one dog chespeake bay retreiver Tia about 11 years old and very spoiled
E is for an essential item you use each day: cell phone
F is for your favorite television show: American Idol although with school I have not watched it much this season
G is for favorite game: ??? do not really have a favorite
H is for hometown: Pittsburgh, PA
I is for instruments played: violin in grade school and badly
J is for favorite juice: cranberry
K is for what you'd like to kick: I like Cindy's answer...... Never have done this but there are a few politicians I'd like to kick right now, starting with the president and working down from there. lol! Kick them out of office and do like Mike Huckabee said...pick some random people out of the phone book to replace them because we certainly couldn't do any worse.....But really I would like to kick the yellow pollen out of here it is killing my sinuses
L is for last restaurant you dined at: a Mexican restaurant but I don't remember the name
M is for your favorite muppet: not sure. Gotta go with Kermit
N is for number of piercings you have: 2 - one in each ear
O is for overnight hospital stays: about 6 few surgeries and birth of my twins
P is for people you were with today: patients, doctors and fellow nurses ( I am at work...)
Q is for what you do in quiet times: read, watch tv, just veg
R is for regrets: I really do not have any regrets.....I have learned from my mistakes or at least I think I have.
S is for status: Married
T is for time you woke up today: 4:45 to get ready for work
U is for what you consider unique: people
V is for favorite vegetable: actually it is easier to say what I do not like...okra, beets, raddishes, lima beans
W is for your worst habit: emotional eating, but I am working on that have not done it for about 2 months....maybe I broke that habit....I hope so
X is for x-rays you have had: knee
Y is for yummy food you ate today: strawberry bananna yogurt
Z is for zodiac sign: Taurus but I don't follow astrology or believe in it

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A visit with my Dad

I am in Myrtle Beach right now. My dad and step mom have been here since the middle of January. They are going back home to Pittsburgh next Friday. I spend as much time as I possibly can with them when they are here. I do not always get to Pittsburgh. In fact I have not been back home since Christmas of 2006. I love spending time with my dad. I guess one could say I am still daddy's little girl in my heart. My dad is a good Christan man. He is the one who lead me to the Lord. I have three other sisters with the same dad, and two step sisters who call him dad. What I do not understand is my sister who lives here close to me. She talks about "her daddy" all the time but he has been here since mid January and she has not come up to see him once. I do not understand, I have been here every time I have a day off and if I have a few days off in a row I stay here with them. Ye t she has not been here once. Dad notices too. He told me she has not come to visit him....He is hurt by it... I know I should not have but i sent her a text today that simply said "dad is leaving next Friday and you have yet to come visit him...maybe you should this weekend." I hope she does....He tries not to let me see he is upset about it, but I can see it. He is hurt and I hate it.
Anyhow I will spend my few days with him and come back next week for my few days off...Just to spend time with my dad.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

God is Great and It is a WONDERFUL Day!!

As I have shared this week I have been struggling with panic attacks again. Well I have decided to turn this FEAR over to the Lord and it has been WONDERFUL! It first started with the book I am reading that I shared about in my last post Change your Habits, Change your Life A plan for Healthy Living by Danna Demetre. A scripture in the first chapters of the book is 2 Tim 1:7 which says " For God has not given me the spirit of timidity (or fear as it says in another translation), but of power and love and disciple (or sound mind in another translation). This verse spoke mountains to me. I was not given the spirit of fear! What do I have to panic about. God has overcome this obstacle in me a few years ago. This is a lie from satan trying to shake my faith. I will not let him!!! Then I went to church today. The message was actually about those who are afraid of what is happening in the economy but it spoke in a whole different way to me. I am going to share my notes and maybe it can help you too.
Title: Uncertain....."Relax and Refocus"
Verses: Mark 4: 35-41; Proverbs 19:21; Is 46:10; James 1:8; Matt 6:26; 1 Tim 6:17-20; Phil 4:11; Mark 8:36; Phil 4:6
Relax- God is in control! Reality in times like this -We are not in control. God is a god of abundance and He will provide. Circumstances will not change the PURPOSE of God. Faith is forged in the furnace of the wilderness- In Mark 4:35-41 The disciples needed a storm to know Jesus can calm the storm and the winds and the waves.
God cares more about our character than our comfort. We need to relax because He is in control.
R- realize our worth....James 1:8, Matt 6:26
E- entrust..................1 Tim 6:17-20
L-Learn to be content..Phil4:11
A- adjust our values....Mark 8:36
X- eXchange your fear for God's peace...Phil 4:6
When we allow fear we inhibit God in our lives and we are calling God a liar....WE should release the fear to God and Repent! Because we go where our eyes are focused if we are focused on fear we will be afraid......SO where are you focused??
The challenge was issued by my pastor Do not lose your focus!
I am going to focus on God and kick the fear from my life when I feel a panic attack starting I will focus on my Lord and Savior and He will help me through so I can have His peace! That is what has made me have a wonderful day and I hope you do also!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A visit to the doctor makes me feel better

I went to the doctor yesterday seems I am not crazy at all. I have a sinus infection number 1 and we also talked about the panic attacks. I really do not want to go medication for this again. SO I am going to make it through this with the help of the Lord. I am reading a new book by author Danna Demetre called Change your Habits, Change your life. A Proven Plan for Healthy Living. She is a Christan woman and nurse who has over come bulimia and panic attacks with the help of the Lord. Reading this book makes sense to me in a nursy way because she explains things not only for the lay man but also in a way that is medical. I know I can overcome this with the Lord because any thing is possible with the Lord Jesus! Today I feel GREAT! I had a brief moment of panic today but it subsided with Christan music and refocusing my thoughts.
I also found out when I went to the doctor yesterday I have lost 20lbs since January!!!! I think that is wonderful because I have worked my butt off (literally) to get here. I have a little way to go yet and keeping it off is the key to my success. My walk with the Lord, this book and the healthy lifestyle I have learned over the last 10 weeks will help me continue.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Trying to figure out what to do

Since I was sick last week I have been having trouble with panic attacks again. I only had one full blown panic attack and that was the night that started the whole sickness. I got nauseated and then really sick! But the nausea started the panic attacks again. All week I have been fighting not to have a panic attack. I thought this was over! I haven't had one for a long time and have been off the medicine for almost 6 months, now this! I was at work today taking care of patients and all the time fighting a panic attack. I do not understand why this is happening. I have nothing to be panicky about. I am truly blessed. Yet here I am. There is no doubt only fear and I do not know of what. I get this sudden feeling of doom and like I am having trouble breathing but I am breathing fine. Then I feel like I want to run home to my bed and pull the covers over my head because that is only place where it is safe. I sing hymns to myself to occupy my mind so I can stop the focus on the fear and slowly it subsides only to rise again a few hours later for no reason at all. I thought it was over and I would never have to go through this again. Granted it is not as bad as the first time but maybe that is what I am afraid off that it will get that bad again so where I literally spend days in bed. O Lord please help me with this. I do not know what to do. Maybe I'll just make a doctors appointment for tomorrow and talk to the doctor and tell her its happening again. ..........Just needed to get this all off my chest....

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I got a message today

I got a message from my cousin today. I am shocked and really do not know what to do about it. You see back when I started this blog I posted a about her. We were best friends or so I thought. Our bond was much more than friendship because we were also family or so I thought. Then when my mom and grandmother moved here after my mom got sick and rumors started flying about how we kidnapped her and had planned to take her away from the family for many years and then when she lived here in my house that I stole my grandmother's money. Lies! All Lies! She turned on me. She believed the rumors! I was crushed! I begged and pleaded for her to believe me! I told her she should know I would never do anything like that! It felt like I knife was stabbed into my heart. That was almost two years ago. No cards were sent at Christmas , no friendly calls every couple months just to hear each others voices, no emails to keep each other up to date on current events in our lives. Nothing!
Then today I got a message on facebook, in fact just a few hours ago. It was civil. She congratulated me on my new grandson. Short and civil. My mind went racing, I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cry! (I didn't but the night is young.) What should I do? Why now? (I had the stomach virus this week and the nausea spurred off a battle with panic attacks all week. I am still struggling now as I write this with the feeling that I should panic and go hide under the covers of my bed where it is safe and warm and not get out! Its an awful feeling!) SO why now?
What I want to do is respond back telling her how wrong she was and how much my grandmother is suffering in the nursing home HER family chose to put her in and how after all her gallant words about my grandmother I know she has only just now saw my grandmother after she has been in that nursing home since December! How when my grandmother was here we saw her several times a week and she was never left alone for more than 2 days and now she is alone even without a phone for us to call her! How this is the longest time I have ever been not able to talk to my grandmother because she does not have a phone and I have to call the nurses station to talk to her and how HER mother called me and told me not to do that because the nurses complain when we call TOO MUCH! (had to stop for a minute because now I am crying).............My mind is racing with things I could say to her about how hurt I was and how she broke my heart. How I thought our friendship was special and we would never let crazy family stuff come between us......................But I won't!
I will not respond at all because responding will open up to many temptations to get revenge and the Lord says that is his job. Instead I will do nothing! I will not respond. I will do nothing because that door is closed and I can not open it again the pain was too intense. My Lord rescued me from that and gave me many more friends in lots of different places, like here for instance. He has blessed my life with people who are my friends..........So I chose to do nothing!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Haven't been here for a few days.

I haven't been here for a few days school has got me aaahhh going crazy with two classes at a time. I have only been taking one. But the goal is in site. Mid June I will have my bachelors degree. Can't let it get me now.
Then there is work or at least finishing up work at the clinic. I had to miss Tuesday afternoon and Thursday. Tuesday afternoon went to the doctor for my knee which has been killing me. He told me he would try cortisone brought out a BIG needle and shot it into my knee. OUCH!! he said it should last for a few weeks, or months if it worked at all. Well it is a few days later and now it is hurting again. I am off now till next Thursday which will be my last day in the clinic. I work in the hospital Friday and then start my hospital job on Monday.
As I run through my days with a million things to do random thoughts go through my head. I think of people I love and miss. I think of my brother and his situation. I think of my job, my school, my life. Most of all I thank God for every hectic minute he gives me, for my family, my job, Kevin's job, and on and on and on. I try to thank him at least once every few days Just Because He Deserves It.