For those of you who read my blog do not be alarmed I am not getting a divorce. But, we got news last night that someone in our family may be. This is a very sore spot with me because my parents were divorced and my husband's parents were divorced. So all of the children in both families have felt the pain of not having mom and dad live together in the same house. I know some will say this is for the best and eventually everyone will be ok. Well, I am here to tell you there are scars from divorce that never go away!
I was only 11 when my mom and dad separated. I never blamed them, I always blamed myself. I must have done something to ruin my family! For the rest of my life up to this point I have tried to paste my family back together. For me the family just got bigger, I now have a wonderful step mom whom is very dear to me, two step sisters, I love as much as my three blood sisters and two half brothers whom both own pieces f my heart! I did not mention a step-father because he died some time ago. My life with my step-dad was always rocky; because I have a GREAT dad. So when this man came into my life and told me he "was now my father and I should start calling him dad." I became bitter and this set the stage for our whole relationship. Unfortunately, it also set a president because everyone who has ever been a part of my life knows my step-dad and I did not mesh. (not the best witness of Christ's love in my life) My feelings for him have hurt my mom, for that I am sorry.
Those are the kind of things that happen when a family is torn! Husband and wife may think they are not happy and just do not want to be unhappy any more. But, when there are kids involved it is way more complicated. Young girls look up to their dad's as the man they will some day marry; how can they do this when he is no longer with them or only sees them on weekends? You see in my young eyes, no matter what faults my dad had he was a prince on a white horse coming to take me away from the mean man who married my mom. This feeling only caused more chaos in our home. At the time of the divorce there were 4 of us kids, all girls. While I clung to my dad with white knuckles because I was so afraid I would loose him; my sister who was 9 got mad and fought for my mom before and after her marriage to my step-dad years later. My sister and I actually had fist fights about it; which my step-dad encouraged! He wanted us to work out our feelings and anger! All this did was cause an even bigger gap in a broken family. Dad married first; this did not bother me somehow maybe because she never attempted to become anything but who she was, dad's wife. Any discipline needed always came from dad not her so I never felt like she was trying to take mom's place. It was very different for me when mom got married a few years later. When my brothers came along there had been so many girls, us three and my step-mom's two daughters, that we were delighted to have some brother's. We spoiled them rotten! I mean rotten!! But we were not a family any more just a bunch of people who had some bonds. There was no love between mom and dad, dad and step-dad, or mom and step-mom which made me feel broken. Why couldn't I have what every one else had, a family? There must be something wrong with me!
Those who have not been through this from a child's point of view have no idea the damage it can cause. Family is a sense of security for children. There is mom and dad and we can work it out together. Children feel this even at young ages, believe me I know! When the family is broken the CHILD is broken! SO I have a plea to any family with children and there is no abuse taking place PLEASE think about the children before you make any decisions about separation or divorce! I am here to tell you damage done to a child from divorce is something they carry with them FOREVER! Even when they are older and should be wiser; there will always be a place in them where the child is crying for the family they never had.
For those of you wondering my family has come a long way in the past 40 years. I am married to a wonderful man who has been my best friend and protector for over thirty years. I have grown twins who now have families of their own and are doing well. Most of my sister's are happily married with children, one of my brothers is married with a family the other also has a family with his girlfriend, they are not married; some still have issues, that's just the truth! But the Lord has done a wonderful thing! He answered a prayer from an 11 year old girl sitting on the attic stairs and has made us all a family! We still have our ups downs ( there are 8 of us siblings with varying opinions). But when push comes to shove we are all a family! A fact made very evident a few months ago when my dad had a heart attack and needed open heart surgery emergently and we ALL came together in the hospital, on the phone and on the internet; mom, step-mom, sisters, step-sisters, and half brothers all together praying and waiting for the word that dad would be ok. He did miraculous! Praise the LORD!! He mended a man and showed the world around us our mended family!!
Not every family separated has a wonderful ending like ours! Please think hard before you make the choice to separate or divorce when children are involved!