Feelings?!

Feelings, we all have them. Some a little more than others. Some are said to wear their heart on their sleeve so they get their feelings hurt a little easier. Some make people think they are tough as nails but in truth they have them too. Me, I do have them! I have always been an emotional person, but now it seems it is in OVER DRIVE! Is this menopause? Or just me moving into the next phase of my life where someone can hurt my feelings by saying a few simple words? Am I really this sensitive? Have I always been this way and now I am just noticing more? I don't think I have always been this way. I am told and know women get more emotional at times. Well, I don't want to be this emotional any more.

Who has time to have a break down, I sure don't. as you can see from my last post I have had Bells Palsy recently maybe that affected my feelings. I recently had an argument with my sister also maybe that affected my feelings. My uncle who had cancer passed away and i went to a memorial service for him, I know that affected my feelings. There are times when nothing in particular is going on just my daily life and something strikes me and I get emotional.  That's the things I am talking about not the illness, the fight with family or loosing of a loved one. The thing that means really nothing at all that affects you like you were hit with a ton of bricks that is what I am talking about.

How do we handle this?? Me, I have mini melt downs when no one is looking. Yeah, I cry at night when no one is looking or I write a blog like this to get it out there. There are times when I just can't hold it back and cry at the stupid commercial or when my favorite soap character cries! Yes, I am that emotional person and I guess I do wear my feelings on my sleeve....

But that is me! Slobbery wet eyes and all!

Bells Palsy

Bells Palsy a very scary thing! I woke up one morning, let the dogs out, got my clothes out for the day,  went to the door to let the dogs back in. I tried to whistle and I could not. It was early and I was tired so I just let them in and got a shower and started to get ready for work. As I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my teeth I noticed the tooth paste and water drooling out of the right side of my mouth! My whole face on the right side looked like it was drooping! I  panicked! I called the doctor, the rest of my right side was good! The doctor told me to GET TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM! I MAY BE HAVING A STROKE!! then I really panicked! I called my husband who was getting off of the night shift to tell him and he told me he was on his way home. I sat in my living room with my mind going crazy if I was having a stroke should I not feel something else on my right side? would it start any minute? I was afraid to get out of the chair for fear I would find I could not walk and fall to the floor!
My hubby got home and took me to the ER. they took me right back. Checked me all over and said I had Bells Palsy.
Praise the Lord, I thought I am not having a stroke! I was given anti viral medication, acyclovir to take 5 times a day for 5 days and prenisone. I was also told I must protect my eye because it can not blink therefore it will not be able to keep moist, so add drops and tape shut at night with a night ointment. I was told Bells Palsy was caused mostly by a virus, they thought was the same virus that causes chicken pox. They also told me it would get worse before it got better. That was 10 days ago. I still have no activity in the right side of my face. Every once in a while I feel pins and needles or some pain, like pressure around my cheek bones or right ear.
Most days I am good but today I am having a down day. It happens! I find myself trying to smile every time I walk past a mirror and only half of my face smiles back at me! I am told and have done research that says this can last a few weeks to a few months, only rare cases last forever. Forever! That is very scary! I am finding out how vain I really am. I never really thought I was pretty but at least I could smile! Just to give a a glimpse of what it is like imagine you went to the dentist and got Novocaine in the side of your face and it is lasting for weeks! that is kinda it.

O well I am going to go for now. I will be back later, and maybe I will be able to smile!

Blessings on this Good Friday

I do not always look at the blessings in my life or what God has done for me in my life. So today I want to do that. First and foremost the biggest blessing I have ever received is the love of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on this Good Friday I can not forget what He has done for me! He suffered in a brutal and savage way for me. he knew exactly who I was and that I would need Him to be MY savior! You see because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All meaning me! So He died in my place that I may live with Him in heaven eternally. That my friend is a beautiful thing and a true blessing!

Two more blessings for me recently!
 1. I got a job close to my daughter for a while! For 6 weeks I was able to be Memaw everyday! I could see my daughter and her husband but better yet I could spend time with my grand sons! It was wonderful! I had been feeling down because of the job situation and because I had not had the money to go see them. It was more than a year since I had sent time with them (excluding my daughter surprise visit for me a few weeks before which she and her family came for a week!) (that only made me miss them more!) So you get it I was feeling down. The blessing is what I want to talk about. I spent days at the park with the boys, we went to movies, we went shopping at the mall, we went to the Build a Bear Factory(their parents bought the bears, actually Remy got a smurf but I got to have the fun with them). It was awesome!!! I babysat them, they spent the night at my apartment and we watched movies! Did I say it was awesome! It was! It was over way too fast which leads me to my second blessing.

 2. I got home on a Sunday night very late about almost two weeks ago now. I got an email before I left Oregon about a job fair at a local Ohio (home) company. They needed nurses to be case managers and many other areas. I got home Sunday night/ Monday morning the job fair was on Thursday. I went, why not I did need a local job. I had two interviews that day as the managers went over my resume. They called this week to offer me a job with wonderful benefits as case manager with Molina Health Care. They will train me for 6 weeks to help me be the best at the position and already talked to me about the possibility of moving up in the company once I complete my degree.  You see I was doubting myself when I got home did I have to travel around the country alone? Did I want to? (I would have had to if nothing local came about). And it did.

I know some maybe thinking God does not have time for your problems and down moods but I am telling you He does. He absolutely cares for and loves me! Enough to die for me and
He cares about you too! Enough to die for you!
I trust Him with every aspect of my life.
How about you?

Sometimes I just don't feel it!

I have been going through this funk for a while now with working here and there the small blows to my self esteem when one does not work out the way it is supposed to. My assignment here is over now and I am about to head back home to Ohio. But, with that being said. I am not sure what the next step is. I am 53 years old and I am looking for a job yet, again! All of these ups and downs make a girl feel blue! I am used to working taking care of people and my family. My family has grown up and moved away. Now, taking care of patients is not happening either, unless I fight for a new job every few months and move on and on and on from here to there all alone when not at work. Why? I do not understand WHY? I am tired! I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am tired of fighting for everything and it only lasts for a few weeks or months. I am tired of feeling this way like everyone is against me and I did something wrong. I am tired! I know in my heart God has a plan for me but I am so tired! Where do I go next? What happens next? I am tired of thinking about next! I just want to work, pay my bills and think about today like I am supposed to be doing!

I want to talk about a great man

I want to talk about a great man. But I have to begin at the beginning. When I was about 11 my parents seperated and divorced. This is common knowledge if you know and have read my blog. As many of you know this was a tough time for me. My dad was always present and there in my life but it seemed as if his family divorced us. We really never felt like family except from a few treasured people in his family. One of them was my Uncle Terry. As far back as I can remember he was always around. He made an effort to spend time with us an and made us feel loved. He is my sister's God Father and I remeber one year when she was still a baby he bought her a stuffed Easter Bunny that took up a whole chair she looked lost sitting on the stuffed bunny's lap. When my parents seperated and then divorced it almost like he did not want us to feel bad so he did nice things for us like taking the family to the amuzement park and spending the day at the park with us. When my mom married my step dad things really did not change because he was my step dad's best friend. So that just got us more time at his house or to spend with him. As it usually happens life goes on and people grow up, get married and move away. I did. So I got caught up in MY life and did not spend much time with him. He had some family issues of his own and when his marrige broke up he became a hermit almost. I remember seeing him a few years ago when my grandmother died sitting outside talking with him. He said I did not go anywhere I am in the same house even have the same phone number, which amazingly I remembered at the time. I can hear the sound of his voice talking to me now when I remember back. I found out today this great man is on hospice. He has cancer. There is no need to do a biopsy because it it everywhere and too far gone to do anything. My pray for him is that he does not suffer, he does not deserve it. My hope is that I get a chance to say goodbye and let him know how he made a difference in my life. But I will not be back by home until this assignemt is over so if God takes him I want the world to know what a great man he was and still is!

I am here Work and Fun have begun

Well, I am on the west coast, in Oregon actually. I have an apartment that is about an hour away from my daughter but right up the street from the hospital. My little dog Ollie came with me. Ollie was having a rough time so I had to hook him up with a local vet, they are a true blessing! I am working the night shift and Ollie was having some separation anxiety when I was not here and he was alone. Apparently one night he barked all night, I came home to a nasty note on my front door from an anonymous neighbor saying they turned me in to the apartment complex, the neighborhood watch and if it happened again would turn me into the ASPCA! Crazy, I know! I have no idea who it was but I had a bit of a mental breakdown trying to figure out what I was going to do. I started praying and asking God to handle the situation because I did not know what to do and I was led to the Happy Valley Vet Clinic. I actually was led there! I went to the closest vet to me up the street. They were completely booked, they called another vet clinic and they were booked then they called Happy Valley who said come right up! It is about 10 minutes from the apartment and specialize in separation anxiety! They were so nice. At first they made a plan with medication and other things for him. They also have a kennel on the premise. They usually charge $25 a night to board but since Ollie would be coming at night and picked up in the morning kind of like doggie day care but at night I only had to pay $8 a night! They are wonderful with him! I am Praising the Lord! He looks out for me and even for my dog!
Work is going well. I am now working as a nurse on a cancer floor! Which is where I want to be! I will be here until the end of May. So I have a few months that I get to spend my days off with my grandchildren and my daughter. I think it is a win win!!
I will try to update more often!!
Hope you all are well!!

All the busy work is done

So I have come to place where all the busy work for this travel job is done. I have taken 5 tests, signed numerous papers, been poked and prodded for physical exams, drug tests and TB test and now it is time. On Tuesday I will leave the  Ohio area and head west close to where my daughter lives to work as a travel nurse in a hospital for 13 weeks. I am excited, but more excited about spending time with my daughter and her family. The company will set me up in my own apartment and even reimburse me for a rental car. So the adventure begins next week!

Funny thing happened this morning, though. I got a call from a local cancer center to interview for a job I applied for about a month ago! Today, after all the stuff I have done for this travel job! So, I told them I was about to go on a travel assignment and how long the assignment was. They asked me if I still wanted to interview? Interesting, I thought! SO I set up an interview for Monday morning. Who knows, maybe if they like me and want me they will offer something for when this travel assignment is completed. I am for sure not going to walk away from a sure thing job for a maybe job. Been there done that too many times to mention and learned from my mistakes. SO I will keep you posted on how that goes and update you on my travels or whatever is on my mind!

Until then.....Happy Valentines Day to everyone......and I will write again soon..... Busy, busy, busy, much to do before I go Tuesday!

Months have passed and Change has happened again

It has been months again since I have written what is on my mind. I have not been idle and I have been having thoughts just no time to write them down. Once again I found myself in a job that took up all my time! I tried for months to get into a hospital or get a new job but the market is not that great right now even for nurses! I know what you are thinking, Nurses can always find a job. Well, I am here to tell you times have changed! Even nurses are having trouble finding decent jobs.
I am still in the process of working on my Master's degree in nursing hoping that will help me land full time employment but at the moment I have decided to take to travel nursing. What is that you may ask? Well, when hospitals around the country need nurses, some places are still in shortage mode but not here that's for sure, they look to agencies that have nurses willing to travel and offer contracts. The contracts start at 12-13 weeks and can be more. For the contracted period of time the nurse travels to where the job need is and works a shift they have contracted them to work. The agency pays for the housing of the nurse while they are on assignment and some other perks also. But the nurse has to travel and keep the license for the state they are traveling to.
That is my next adventure, a travel nurse until I get my degree or longer if it works well. Me and Ollie, my little dog will travel to assignments and stay until the contract is over, then come home. My hubby and his dog, Belle will be here at home. I know what you are saying now, you are going to leave your husband? No, quite the contrary, he will come visit in the middle of the assignment when he can (you see his job is changing too working more hours getting less days off). So we would not see each other as much here either.
When I was younger and looking at my life this isn't exactly what I had in mind, but then again times they are a changing aren't they? My first contract will be close to my daughter so I will be able to spend time off with her and her family. That will be nice. I will try to be more effiecient in keeping up with my posts! Until then........