Another Boy!

Yesterday we found out we are having another boy grand baby. That will make four boy grand babies! My son and his wife will have their second son. My daughter and her husband just had their second son. Now if I can only get everyone on the same side of the country I will be a happy MeMaw. That way I can steal them away when I want to have some fun MeMaw and me days as my oldest grandson Ethan calls it. At this time I am still in South Carolina. My daughter and her family is in Oregon. My son and his family is about to move to North Carolina. My son in law has been looking in other places closer to us for a job. Prayers for that will be appreciated.
Anyhow we will have four boys with four years!

I did it!

Yesterday I packed up the dog and headed to see my grand son in Greer, SC. Doesn't sound like a big deal but for me it was. I had been suffering from panic attacks lately which have almost completely stolen my confidience. I used to do this thing all the time heading out for where ever I wanted to go when ever I wanted. Then the panic attacks started and I was lucky I could gert out of bed in the morning let alone go out of the house by my self. I would force my self to even go to work. At work I would be ok because my mind would be totally occupied. So I am taking medication to help with that now and the next step was to do something by my self. So yesterday I packed up the dog and headed on the three hour trip to Greer. I had to spend the night in a hotel alone with the dog because of course I stayed as long as I possibly could. Today, this morning I FEEL GREAT!!!!
While I was at my son and daughter in laws-in laws house I found out I was excepted in the Master's Program!!!! Next week I start the Master's Program for Nurse Educator!!

Feeling Better

I am feeling much better these last few days. I have been taking the medication the doctor prescribed and my hormones. I am feeling better. I still had doubts in my self first thing in the morning. When I wake up my first thought is not what can I do today it is how do I feel. Hopefuly that will get better too with the more confidience I get. This week kevin is going out of town on a business trip so I am going to take a big step and go to see my son in the up state by my self. It is a few hour drive and I will stay in a hotel over night. (because they live with her parents till they move next week). This will be a big step for me. Before all this it would not have been a problem; I used to travel by myself all the time but after these attacks this is a big step. After this the next few weeks will be very busy. We are helping Bryan move to North Carolina first week of Aug; going to see Sharon and the new baby second week then going to a race the third week. Hopefully after that I will be back in school again to occupy my mind. My mind is my worst enemy.
I think after going on this trip this week by my self I can get my confidience back up.

Yesterday

Yesterday morning I opened my eyes; I felt pain in my chest. As the trained professional I am I closed my eyes thinking if I went back to sleep it would go away. A few hours later I woke up again with the same pain; I was scared this time I called the doctor. They said they could see me right away. I went into the other room and told my husband what was going on and he took me to the doctor. It just so happens my doctor is on vacation. The doctor filling in for her did and EKG to check my heart and it was good. He decided I was having another panic attack. He gave me xanax, a medication to calm someone down. In the state I was in this only made me more upset. Kevin took me home and went to fill the prescription. I took the xanax as soon as he got home; it made me go to sleep which is what I wanted to do anyway sleep. I woke at 4am and took another xanax because I did not want to wake up feeling like that again.
Today, I woke up late. Kevin was awake and doing things around the house. I did not want to ever feel like I did yesterday. I take bio-identical hormones and needed my refill so I ask him if he would drive with me to the other side of town to pick them up. He did. I had called the doctor while we were on our way there to see if I should do anything with the medication I was taking to keep the attacks away, not the xanax. The doctor said I should double my preventive medication. Kevin then took me to dinner and a movie. I love that man; he was just doing something to keep me occupied. He feels so helpless when this happens to me. All he wants to do is take care of me and he does not understand all this. Well, I do not understand it either. I hate it! I hate having to take medications! The truth is I do have to take medication for diabetes and panic attacks. So I will.
I know I am a Christian woman and know that Jesus died for me but I am also a real human with real flaws. Some days these flaws show through. Please forgive me Lord for my flaws and help me to be more and more like You.

Change

Wow! My life is changing. I was once a young and healthy woman...Now I am a middle-aged woman with health problems. My house was full of noise with my kids running around and playing..now they are grown and have moved out with families and lives of their own. Empty Nest they call it. I understand this because my nest is definitely empty most of the time. I have more time with my husband which is great we have a wonderful relationship and love to spend time together. I have terrific grandchildren; tomorrow I will have one more and another in December. I absolutely love spending time with them...problem is they all live so far away. I seem to have a but with every positive in this scenario. I am not sure I like change. I like boring. I like normal every day nothing out of the ordinary. I am not a fan of surprises. Well not bad surprises. I mean I love getting presents. I 'm talking about the kind of surprises that stun you.....but then again I guess no one is really a fan of bad surprises. Anyhow...I am trying to cope with all the change in my life. I am afraid I am not doing such a great job. As a Christan I should be able to handle change by depending on God. Problem is as my human self I tend to turn away from God turn into my self. "Pout" my grandmother called it. Trouble is I know I do this and yet I do it again and again. Ok so isn't noticing you have a problem the first step to curing it or taking care of it. Well, Ok, I know I am a poor pitiful sinner! I know God sent His son to die for me because i am a poor pitiful sinner. I have excepted this fact many years ago. So why do I fall into the same old behavior when dealing with change. Change should be a good thing. I should look at change as an adventure and use it to better the kingdom of God. This my prayer for my life since change is evident and expected that I will use every change as a means to praise my Lord and Saviour.

When I least expect it

I have never said I was a brave person, but I think I am a confident person. I know who I am and I am OK with it. I have to say I do have issues with my weight which has given me diabetes but other than that I think I am OK. I am usually a go getter. I go where I want when I want. I think I am mostly a positive person and am able to get things done. Then from out of no where it happens. I get shaky, I have trouble catching my breath, I get pain in my arms that travels to my chest and the feeling of certain doom. PANIC ATTACK!!! I do not know why it happens, it just does. It started about 3 years ago. My doctor put me on medication and told me I would not have to be on the medication for ever. SO after several months, I was feeling better and I got off the meds just like the doctor told me to I weaned off and everything was fine for a few months. Then it happened again. SO she started the meds again. This last time I came of the meds I had been sick for three days and not able to take anything by mouth so I did not have the meds for days and we thought OK so lets stop this medication now. Well about two weeks ago it happened again; after the initial panic attack it seems I panic more about having another panic attack. I even get shaky about it and want to hide in my bed. I have to force myself to get out of bed and move. I am OK when on the meds, I just need to reserve myself that I have to take this medication or have these attacks. So I am taking meds so I do not have panic attacks any more and I will for the rest of my life, because I will not suffer form this forever. It takes away who I am. It makes me afraid of everything. All I want to do is stay in my bed, and that is no way to live.
I am a firm believer that God has allowed us to make the modern marvels of medication that we have to combat the ills of the world.