How I spent my Christmas day

hey Merry Christmas to all my blogging friends. I spent my day at work today. As many of you know I am a nurse. I work on a surgical cancer floor. There were not many surgeries before Christmas only those that needed to be done quickly. SO our normal 25 bed unit now has 5 patients. But no matter we do have patients and someone needs to work. There are actually 4 of us here another nurse and two nurses helpers because the patients we have usually have a lot going on. Today I am caring for a sweet lady who had surgery but now is having back spasms from not moving much and the beds I assume. Another lady has a wound infection, and one who had surgery today. I have been thinking off and on today. I have thoughts about my family then about the patients here and their families at home. All my patients except one have had company today for a few hours at a time but that is it a few hours at a time. I was wondering what I would do if I was here? I think I would be whiney. I am sometimes I get feeling sorry for myself for this reason or that. Actually I could not imagine being here on Christmas as a patient that is.
So I am going to pray to pray for these patients that they get better and go home to spend time with their families.

Long time

It has been a long time since I have been here. School, work and illness have kept me away but life does go on around us even when we are busy with other things. I wanted y'al to know I have still been praying for y'al even though I haven't been blogging for a while. Gina, I hope you feel better soon and Glenda, whatever is going on with you know you are in my prayers and in the palm of our Lords hand.
News from my life. I am on a school break now until Jan 11. That alone is like a breath of fresh air. I will finally be done with my bachelors degree some time in May. I know I want to start my masters in the fall but I am trying to decide which track to take. I have been thinking about going the education route so I can train new nurses but lately I have also been thinking about being a Nurse Practitioner. The schooling is the same, maybe a few months more for NP to be able to prescribe meds. I have also been trying to figure out where I will go. MUSC, the hospital where I work, South University the college where I go now, or lately I have been thinking about West Virginia University (I was hoping there was an online class there but there is not, so I would have to move should I go there. We have been thinking about making that move because it is closer to home but not too close.) WV has a NP of women's practice which I would love to do. Another opportunity that has come up is my boss has been talking about after getting my degree or actually once I start to work with her in management as a educator or assistant manager. (I am tempted by that one too but do not know if I would like it.)
My family is doing well my daughter is pregnant with my third grand child her second child. My son has finally graduated from college. (YEAH!!) Now he is looking for a job in a church or other job. My husband is good.
The rest of my Jerry Springer family are doing OK. They have ups and downs outbursts and fights I have decided to stay as far away from that as I can. (Considering they always call me when something goes wrong.) I am trying not to get upset about it anymore.
I will try to keep better touch here throughout the break and from now on. The next few days I will be catching up on old post.
Merry Christmas Blogging Friends!

I am sitting in a high school auditorum to pay respects to am 18 year old boy Wed, Dec 16, 2009 boy who took his life this past weekend. Please pray for his family

I love the CHristmas Season!

I love Christmas! I love everything about it! I love the trees and the lights and the tinsel and the decorations and the celebrations. I think you have gotten the picture I love Christmas.

Even with all that stuff what makes Christmas great are the people. Everyone is so giving! We adopt one of our families every year to sponsor their Christmas because of their lack of funding, their illness or what ever. I am so emotional about our family this year. I am so excited to shop for this family and to do bake sales and sell candy on the floor and whatever we need to do to make Christmas great for this family. Because sadly it may be their last together as a family.

So if your reading this and know someone who could use a boost at Christmas. That older lady who lives alone in your neighborhood. The cashier at the grocery store who is a single mom. The man who is selling you your tree trying to make an income for their family. Say a prayer for them, tell them you did and will say more and most of all wish them a Merry Merry Christmas!

The holidays are on the way....will you be home for Christmas

I have been thinking about the holidays. Christmas is my favorite holiday. Everyone becomes happy and joy is everywhere. People do nice things they buy gifts for friends and family just to see smiles on their faces. There are movies about it and cartoons about it. We decorate our homes and light up our homes.
I have been thinking about it because it didn't seem the same for me anymore. My kids are grown with families of their own living far away. My grandchildren will have Christmas morning and celebrate the holiday with their other grand parents and that made me sad. I stayed that way fro a while and then I started to think today. Why am I sad? Just because I can not spend one day with my kids and their families. After all they are all coming here the week after Christmas for us to celebrate my husband's 50th birthday and we will have a Christmas celebration on New Years day.
I started to think about those people who truly are away from their families for the holidays. The military who are defending our country in foreign lands, who would love to have just one day to celebrate with their families. Missionaries in foreign lands and across our nation who are doing the job they have been destined to do. Prisoners in jails across the country some deserving of their time others who do not deserve to be there wishing every day that they would be able to see their families again. The sick in the hospitals who hurt so bad because of injuries, surgeries or illnesses who only want to have one more day with the families they love. The lonely and alone who do not have anyone to have a dinner with but will spend Christmas alone in their homes or worse on the streets of this nation watching all the fun but never quit getting close to having fun themselves. Those who sit in nursing homes across the country having just another day of the same old thing hoping someone will call or come to visit them today.
For the rest of this holiday season I will not feel sorry for myself. I will not fret because my day is bad or I can not get my way. For the rest of this holiday season I chose to pray for one lost and lonely soul a day to have a good, happy and memorable Christmas day.

Great weekend...wonderful yet sad

This past weekend my husband and I reunited with dear friends who we thought were lost. I know you remember me talking about my cousin who was my friend forever then all the family stuff happened and we lost contact and how it devastated me and when she wanted to reconnect I was afraid to open myself up. Well the Lord had plans for this relationship. On Thursday last week I awoke to a text message from my mom telling me Debbie, my cousin, father in law had passed away. Just a side bar here my husband and Debbie's husband grew up together that is how I met my husband through Rick, Debbie's husband. We both knew Rick's dad well and morned for his passing. Both Kevin and I felt a tugging in our hearts to make the trip home and go to this funeral. We had a few obstacles #1 money, we had about $100 which would be enough to get us there but not back; #2 our dog, she can not stay at my dad's where we usually stay because he is allergic and our dog sitter was going away for the weekend. We decided we could not go but the tugging continued in both of our hearts. I made two calls one to my dad to borrow money to get back home, which I am paying back today and one to my mom to see if we could stay at her new apartment with our dog. Both agreed this was OK. So Friday morning Kevin, Tia (the dog) and I packed into my Subaru and headed home. We did not tell Debbie we were coming I had only texted her my sympathy. I did post on my facebook when I got home that night simple words "we made it, we are here". My sister in law posted after me about it being such sad circumstances. Saturday afternoon at 2pm Kevin and I walked into the funeral home. I was first. The look on both Debbie and Rick's faces told us God had wanted us to be there. Rick came over and hugged us both and cried as he thanked us for coming. Debbie came over to me and we embraced like we never have before both of us crying. I think we stood there embracing for about 5 whole minutes. I told her I loved her and she told me the she loved me. I will never forget that few minutes!
During the course of our only 1 day there, we had to come back the next day so Kevin could go back to work, we talked and talked and talked. I found out she knew nothing about all the lies and threats her mom had thrown towards me in the past year and a half. In fact I learned her mom had stopped talking to her in Jan of 2009 because of a spat they had. We rekindled our friendship and vowed never to let family come between us again. We decided we are friends FIRST!!!
Although all of this happened on such a sad occasion as Rick's dad funeral, I believe this was truly the Lord at work. He knew how much I missed her and she me so He brought us back together!
God is good all the time!!!! Praise His Holy Name!!!

Back Home

I had a wonderful trip to my daughter's house in Oregon. The weather does not always cooperate; it rains quite often but it does have beautiful scenery. The trees were all the pretty colors of Autumn all around town. We did go up the mountain because I wanted to see the colors displayed across the mountain, only to find out they are covered with mostly pine trees but it was still pretty.We were up so high Ethan said we were miles and miles in the sky.It was beautiful.

The best part about the trip was seeing my daughter and her family and spending time with them. We laughed and played and played and laughed and laughed some more. I just had a great time.I

I got to go on a field trip with Ethan's class to the Pumpkin Patch. (I did get lost driving there believe it or not I drove right by a pumpkin patch miles and miles long. So I did not get to pick the pumpkin with him but I got there for hay ride, apple orchard, and games.

The weekend before I left to go to Oregon I also got a special treat. My son Bryan and his family came to visit me. So I also got to see my grandson Asher.

I feel truly blessed!

I just opened myself up for a big disappointment

I don't know if I should have done this or not but I just unblocked my cousin and sent her a message on my facebook page. I was really hurt by all the accusations made about me when all the stuff happened with my mom. I still am sometimes. But I have really been thinking about her lately and I do not know why. Silly as this sounds we used to watch the series V together way back when and now that it is coming back out that maybe why. I just really have been feeling like I should contact her. Maybe it is the holy spirit nudging me to make amends. I don't know. All I know is I took the lea of faith and sent her a message on facebook. I will keep y'all posted

Counting my Blessings

I often times come here to complain or whine about what I am thinking and what is going on in my life but lately i have been thinking of the many blessings in my life. I'd like to share a few.

• I am healthy. I have a few aliments I need to tend to and I do take some medications but all in all I can do what I want when I want independently.
• I have a wonderful husband who is also healthy; and he loves me, and has for over 30 years.
• I have two healthy children; who have grown up to be responsible adults who know right from wrong.
• Both of my children have married good people who treat them well.
• I have two glorious grand children who are healthy and I cherish them.
• I have a nice home and a job so I do not need to worry where the mortgage payment is coming from.
• All three of my parents are healthy and able to live their lives. (three parents mom, dad, stepmom)
• I have a relationship with everyone of my brothers and sisters.
  
• I have a church that I love and am able to work for the Lord which I also love.

I have many more blessings I could add like the sun and the moon and the stars. The trees and the leaves which are such beautiful colors now. (I can see the colors now at my daughters house!) I wonder how could anybody ever look at this beauty and deny there is a God! I could go on and on and on with the blessings in my daily life. Maybe I should make that a practice more often than I do. I try to thank God once a week for the blessings in my life but do not always do it. So I am doing it here now Lord in this public place! Thank you Lord for my many blessings none of which I deserve!

I am in the North West again!

I am here in Oregon again! I love coming here and seeing the "Barth's", thats my daughter's family. I love to see my Ethan. I got several hugs today and even got a big muscle hug from him. Thank you Lord for blessing me and letting me spend time with my kids and grand kids. I will be here for 10 days so I can fit in all the big muscle hugs that I can! It is beautiful the leaves are just turning. I am so excited ! I'll blog more as I can

Lately I have been thinking

Lately I have been thinking a lot and getting that maternal urge. It may be because I have not seen the kids for a while so hopefully this month seeing both Bryan's family and spending time with Sharon's family will take care of it. I have just been seeing things like with world vision and in church today about children and I want to scoop them up and show them what real love is all about. My sister in law occasionally sends information from the agency where she adopted my niece and their stories and pictures break my heart. I keep thinking I do not have a whole lot of money but I have love and I can share that with them. My husband thinks I am crazy and tells me there will be no more children in his life unless they are grand kids.
Once while we were driving i was talking about this and Kev said "wait be quiet......Nope no one is calling me." Of course I laughed until I almost peed my pants but I wonder why this feeling is so strong in my heart......Is it just menopause or God really calling me to do something?
I decided to do something so I am going to volunteer my time at the Low Country Crisis Pregnancy Center. They know I am a nurse and want to train me to counsel the young women and also use the ultrasound machine. And I have been thinking about missions a little maybe I can help that way with my church.

Is Fall Here??

Is Fall here? I ask because I live in South Carolina and it is still 80 degrees or higher. Actually that feels cool to me. You may laugh but summers here are 90-100 and with the heat index (that is what it actually feels like) it can be up to 110 or more at worst. So 80 degrees is nice. Right now at 5:29pm my temp on my computer reads 82. The weather man says it going to get cooler but we shall see.
I am originally from Pennsylvania and what I miss the most living here is the Fall. I love the change of seasons. I love to drive along the highway and see all the vibrant colors on the side of the roads and the hill sides. I miss that here. The trees do change some but not like at home.
I know its Fall because the kids are back in school and the haloween costumes are in the stores, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

Sometimes I get sad for no reason at all

Sometimes I get sad for no reason at all everything is fine. Nobody is hurting or has hurt me. But sometimes I feel like I could just sit and cry for no reason at all. Is this what they call menopause. I have a rampant of emotions pent up inside and sometimes do not know how or I feel. I put on a face and go out in public and do what I have to then I come home and feel sometimes like I could cry myself to sleep. I miss my kids; I miss my grand kids; I miss my grandmother; I miss my dad. Then it goes away and I feel normal again for a while.
Until the next time. Is this what menopause is. If it is how long does it last. Should I take hormones? My doc says take over the counter stuff if I feel I need to. I have a few times for a few months at a time. Then stop and I am OK....Then it starts all over again.
I have no real reason to cry. I love my husband, he loves me. I have a nice home and we both have jobs. Yet sometimes I do just feel the need to cry.

27 years ago today

27 years ago today I married the man of my dreams. They relationship started 4 years earlier in a small town in the Pennsylvania mountains. I had been at my cousin's house for about a week when her family went to their camp in the mountains. I went along with them. My cousin and I soon got bored of camp (we were teenagers, what can I say). My aunt and uncle (the same ones who are causing all the commotion today with my grandmother) agreed to let us go back home. Debbie, my cousin, called her boyfriend to come and get us. His car was broke down; he asked his friend Kevin to take the trip with him. That was August 1, 1998. We had a great drive home with good conversation; they drove me home to my house and Kevin met my mom. He called me a few days later and we arranged our first date. I gave him directions to my house. He lived on one side of town I lived on the other. My directions were horrible and it took him 2 hrs to get to my house when it should have only taken 30 minutes, but he continued and made it to my house. After my mom say him in my town coming out of a small establishment where he stopped again to get directions to my house. My saw him and yelled out the window of her van "Are you Kevin?" He said "Yes!" She said "follow me!" and he did. We drove back across town to my cousin's house to hang out with them because she was grounded for some reason. Watched TV for a while and he brought me back home. We have been together ever since.
I remember our first kiss. It was about 2 weeks after the first date. We were out with friends playing a drinking game ( I did say earlier that we were teenagers right?). The game was a board game called pass out. Our turn he picked a card it said....Kiss your partner, Light up (I smoked at the time), or take a drink. We discussed what we should do for a minute or two until one of our friends said "O just shut up and kiss her!" So he did. Romantic huh?
I knew from that first date when he held my hand that he was the one for me. I just knew in my heart that he would be my husband some day....and 4 years later we said "I do" in front of our friends and family. Our wedding was simple not a big production. We decided we wanted to get married after we moved into a house we were trying to buy at the time. Talked about it, decided yes and got married two weeks later amongst rumors that I was pregnant. (The rumors were false I had my twins 1 year and 1 month later.) We got married in a local church and had a party at our house. It was terrific.
Now 27 years later I would not change a thing. We have had ups and downs over the years. I became a Christan shortly after the twins were born and Kevin became a Christan about 14 years later. We both believe God put us together and we intend to stay together. I love him more today than I could ever have imagined back then and I think I am the luckiest girl in the world to have him. God answered my prayers through him by giving me a loving and wonderful family of my own and I am thankful to the Lord for the great gift He has given me.

God is good ALL THE TIME

I have been writing about turmoil going on with my grandmother, my mom, her sister and me. For those who do not know I will summarize. My grandmother and I whom we call Nana and I have always been close. (After my grandfather died and I had not seen him for a few months before he got sick I decided that would not happen with my grandmother. I was 19 when my Pap died.) SO I have made a point never to loose contact with my Nana. I have never gone loner than a week to either see her or talk to her. I am now 47 and I still try to honor this. Sometimes a week may linger into almost two but I always call her.
My mom moved in with my grandmother about 15 years ago to take care of her after a illness. She took care of my Nan until about two years ago when my mom got sick after my son's wedding and ended up moving in with me. My grandmother wanted to be where my mom was so she and my mom moved from Pennsylvania to SC to live with me. They did so for just short of 2 years when they moved into their own place here. Then my grandmother had to have surgery on a hiatal hernia; after that she became total care. Her body was failing but her mind was still there. She could not walk and fell once or twice at their home. My mom's doctor told my mom she could no longer take care of my gram by her self. Since I have to work we talked to my gram and decided she would go to a nursing home. We got her in a place here that was beautiful! It was like a dream. They had a porch she could go out to sit on, an ice cream shop where she could get FREE ice cream for her and her visitors and many other amenities. My aunt, my mother's sister, wanted my grandmother closer to FAMILY she said so she complained enough and used a illness she has as bait for not being able to travel to get my gram back up in Pa in a nursing home facility. So my mother feeling sorry for her sister because of the health problems we thought was causing her not be able to come here to visit my grandmother mom conceded and moved my gram to PA to a state run nursing home. Yes it is exactly what it sounds like, that is all I have to say about that. Since the move back to PA my aunt in the course of moving my gram in had her sign a power of attorney, unknowingly.
That is when the tirade began. My mom and sister went to take my gram out to dinner after which my mom got a call the aunt, her sister, telling her she could only take my gram out with HER PERMISSION. I went to visit with my grandson and son and was told I was NOT ALLOWED to take my grandmother off the unit to SIT ON THE PORCH. Last week I got a call from the aunt she told me she wanted something I had that my gram had given me when she was here with me. (I did not ask for this is was GIVEN to me). She told me if I did not give it to her I would be FORBIDDEN to see my gram. I was crushed and of course agreed to anything so I could see my Nana. After talking about it to my daughter who is in law enforcement. She told me this was harassment and I should go to my local police dept and ask about phone harassment charges. I did. They stated they could not prosecute because this aunt lives in another state but they cold call her and tell her not to call me again and if she wanted anything from me in the future she should do it a legal action. That was Friday. (Mind you I am praying about this since the triad started as is my immediate family). The police called the aunt left a message for her to call back. Saturday the aunt called my mom several times mom did not answer. Yesterday the aunt left a message on my mom's voice mail that she was going on vacation and now we had to deal with her son; when I got there this week I was to call her son from the parking lot of my Nana's nursing home he would come to get the object she wanted and then He would ALLOW us to visit my Nana. This was both my mom and me. She was FORBIDDING us from seeing my grandmother until she got what she wanted! I was outraged! My mind started racing. I would go to court get visitation, she could not keep from my Nana who WANTED to see me. As I sat and pondered my actions in my mind a thought popped in my head (which I now know was from the Lord!) to do some Internet searching on elder abuse. I found out what she is doing is isolation which is abuse. I also found a site for the state of PA for elder abuse. I called my mom and started telling her what I had found. While I was reading the site to her I found a phone number which answered 24/7. Mom called. They agreed is elder abuse and THEY WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! THEY SAID SHE CAN NOT KEEP US FROM SEEING MY GRAM AS LONG AS SHE WANTED TO SEE US!!!!
SO we are continuing to pray this job until completion. I am going to PA this week to see my gram Hopefully I can get in, I know I will with the Lords help!!!

Remembering 911

The horrors of that day are forever etched in our memories. Today is a day to remember the lost, families that lost and those who sacrificed.

Montage of Random Thought for Today

I worked today on a different floor than my home floor. I had some time when I could just think about things as I googled between busy times. Here is a montage of my random thoughts for today.

*The first thing I have been thinking of and feeling today is I need to go see my grandmother next week. For some reason I have a very strong NEED to go see my grand mother I can not get her off my mind and I need to see her. The problem is a bunch of crazy things happening trying to distract me from going like I am missing some time from my pay check so it is about 1/2 what I usually make. It will be in my next pay I am told. Then my husband lost his wallet (again). He has been doing that quite a few times lately. My dog sitter reneged on me and I will most likely have to put Tia in a kennel for the time we are gone. But no matter what happens I still have this strong sensation that I need to see my Nana. She is 96 and I have been close with her all my life I have never gone more than a week with out talking to her.

*I had a few patients today who were motor vehicle or ATV accidents. One was a tiny 18 year old boy. Broken bones everywhere! He broke my heart especially when daddy came in to see him and he was so tired from treatments today he could not wake up. Dad was sad. It was sad!

*I want to see my brother and my nephew. I know he went back to his life but I want to see him and Tyler when I get up there. I bought Tyler a T shirt with the hospital logo on it. :)

*I will get a break from school for three whole weeks at the end of this week. I do not want to think while I am off. Sounds silly I know but with school and work I have to be on my game writing papers and taking care of patients watching for any problems. SO I decided for the next three weeks I will only think at work. Everything else besides my devotions and time with God will be filled with fiction, fun and brain rest! I might even go to the beach by my self!

*I need to find a small group to go to. I have had several choices but they do not feel right. I think I will go to one Monday night. I know the leaders and like their style. I need that spiritual accountability.

*I need to plan my husband's 50th birthday party. I decided to make it also a New Year's Eve Party. I need to get info for out of town family and get it moving.

*I think I am suffering from menopause! I have hot flashes so much I feel like I live in a hot house or is it green house any how you get the picture. I live in SC so the temps here are usually in the 80-90 range with humidity it could feel like 100 and something...with a hot flash it feels like 200 and something. How professional do I look when I am visibly sweating and it is dripping down my face when taking care of patients! I feel like I need a cold shower every couple hours!

O well folks that is all for today. I am going to bed I am tired tonight.

He went back.

He went back. My brother went back to her and his son. I understand why he is doing it but I am afraid for him. She has agreed to go to counseling and worrk things out. Tom said he just could not stand not seeing his son. I understand that. He gave us his phone number to call him and we have been. SO I will keep praying because God can do ALL THINGS.

MY BROTHER IS BACK!!

It is late so I will try not to ramble on and on. Any how, last week I was fretting about my brother and the relationship he WAS in and how this woman had a hold of him and he could not see it. Last week they got into a fight AGAIN, a big one. Police were called and my brother was toted off to jail because of it. They took him to the psych hospital because he was drunk. He spent the night there. He called my mom who called me at 2am to let me know about it. he did exactly as they told him and was calm sitting in the corner actually talking to some of the other guys and making sense! When it was his turn he went to talk to the doctor after he allowed the doctor to talk to my mom and get the whole scoop. The doc talked to him for a few hours and released him saying there was no reason for him to be there, so nothing will show up on his record. Mom did not hear anything for a while. Last night I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night with a very strong urge to pray for my brother. I did. This morning I woke up to a message from my mom. HE LEFT HER!!! (I am trying to get this all down but I have to tell you I am doing it through tears of joy and Praise for my Lord!!) I talked to him. He is OK! In fact he is great! You have to understand for four years my baby brother whom I love dearly was gone he was not himself. He was violent and loud one minute then crying and hurting himself the next minute. But now he is back!! I actually talked to him three times today just to make sure it was for real! He said after he talked to the doctor he realized he need to get a life for him and for his son. They had an argument last night she kicked him out and instead of getting crazy he called my mom and left! He said she told him he can come to see his son Tyler so that is my prayer now that she will allow him to see Tyler. I will also continue to pray for him as this is not going to be easy.
But all I have to say is PRAISE THE LORD MY BROTHER IS BACK!!!!

Thunder Storms

I wanted to go to work this morning just to get a few extra hours making phone calls and stuff. The alarm went off and I heard the thunder and rain. I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep.

I love to sleep when there are thunder storms. I also love to watch the lightning light up the sky. When I was younger I was told the thunder was the angels bowling; and lightening was angels turning the lights off and on. It is amazing to me what we tell our children to explain life's mysteries. I remember telling my children the same stories.

I remember when I lived at my dad's house up on a hill in Pittsburgh the lightening used to hit the ground it was beautiful. My sister, step-mom and I would sit and watch like we were watching a fireworks display. But then again I guess lightening is God's display of fire works. One of them at least. I hope you are having a wonderful day where ever you are and you can see the magnificence of God in your day.

new age of doctors office

I just opened a virtual account with my doctors office. I can now log into the doctors office to book appointments, fill perscriptions, and ask questions of the doctor. Hmmm, is this the new age of healthcare? I guess it is ok as long as there is still face to face with the doctor but it has me wondering what will be next.

Yesterday was a sad day

Yesterday was a sad day. I went to the funeral of my friends 35 year old brother. Apparently their dad died in his early 30s also. It was sad for me to see the family of this young man so devastated. I could not help thinking about my baby brother who has his life so screwed up. Lesley, Carey's brother had diabetes and dealt with the complications on a daily basis. My brother, Tom, is healthy. (at least I think he is.) Lesley, had outwardly excepted the Lord and told people about his faith although he did not go to church he had a strong faith in God. My brother is not saved. Lesley has a daughter who is 16 and crushed. My brother has a 2 year old whom he adores.
My brother is a mess at times, he lives with an abusive woman who tries to control his every move. He puts up with it because of his son. It breaks my heart. Every few weeks they have a knock down drag out fight where usually my brother gets hauled away, because who could believe this man could be dominated by the small framed woman he lives with. Monday night was one of those nights. He started drinking again, that's a big problem for him. He says he wants to stand up get a job, because he is not allowed to work another woman may look at him and want him. SO he stays at home and watches my nephew while she works. He says he wants to get a job and place of his own, so he can file for custody of Tyler and be rid of all the other aggravation. I pray he does; I am so afraid I will be going to a funeral of another 30 something year old in the near future and it will be my own brother. My heart breaks when I think about it.

Long day. Went to the zoo with my sister-in-law and 2 nieces the we drove to Greenville to have dinner with my son.

Prayers for my dear friend

Please say prayers for my dear friend Carey. Her 35 year old brother was found dead in his bed by his mom. They are all heart broken.

Makes me sad

I just saw a picture of my grandson Asher on facebook posted by his other grandmother, my daughter-in-law's mom. It makes me sad. My children both live by their in laws and it makes me sad. I only have two children and both of them moved away. I am sorry I am really having a pitty party for my self right now and almost cried when I saw my sweet Asher on facebook. I must be overly emotional now or something. Because it usually does not effect me this way. Sometimes though I just get to feeling BLUE about it. I always wanted to be my grandmother who had all the family at my house for Sunday dinner. I know times have changed and I actually moved away from my parent s too. Maybe I am to blame for my kids moving away. By me moving away I gave them the freedom to do it too.
I am sorry to be so negative today......Maybe I should go to bed now and wake up tomorrow with a whole new attitude....Goodnight.

Heavy Heart

I am feeling a bit blue right now because I chose to hide a friend on Facebook. No that does not mean she is till not my friend. I actually love her, she is a great person. But unfortunately her views and mine are quite different. She is very liberal and all her posts reflect that. It took a long time wrestling with this because I do not want to look like a prewd, but I just can not agree with some of her views. I will pray for her and hope that she comes to the Lord and realizes what she is saying offends some people.

Can't say NO

I have figured out I have a problem my problem is I can't say "NO". I am going to work on that. Because of this problem I have I completely over commit myself to the point of exhaustion. I think I do too much and because of this I don't always do what God wants me to do and I am so busy I can't hear Him. SO I will keep the commitments I have made. I will continue school and of course I have to work, but I talked to my boss and one day a month I can do a management day for work projects. Yes, there are some things I have to do to keep my pay level I am a clinical nurse 3. SO I will do those and a few things I mentioned to my boss that I thought would be good ideas for our unit and she told me that is great YOU can do that. I can do those things on the one management day a month. By the way all of the work projects will look good on a resume. I will help with ONS (Oncology Nursing Society), I am secretary until 2011. This only has once a month commitments also.
But I have been doing all this stuff for me and not listening to God as he has been calling my heart to work for Him. I have worked with youth all my Christan life but have not for the past few years. I think I am being called back to that. I am going to the youth meeting this week to check it out and I will be praying and spending quiet time with God to see if this is the work He wants me to do.

My prayer is "Lord please help me to see what You want me to do and where You want me to work for your kingdom. Please do not let me crowd my life with stuff that gets in the way of You. Thank you Lord."

my new blog

http://beckyshortstories.blogspot.com/

Busy...Busy...Busy..but am I too Busy

My summer has been a complete rush of everything. Family in town and entertaining for them; cleaning before they get here than after they leave. Traveling here and there with my husband, working, school and sitting in front of this computer.. Busy, busy,busy as an old saying from a childhood show says. What I just realized is have I been so busy that I have been neglecting God? Oh, I read my devotions most days. I pray most days. But do I pray as God tells me to continuously? No I do not think so. I used to talk to God all the time, but now I tend to keep my mind busy with school, or talking to someone on the phone or playing games. I really need to spend more time with God and doing what He wants me to do.

What is it He wants me to do? What are my gifts I am to use to serve Him?
My gifts are I believe mercy, which I use every day of my life I think. My job helps me use that one too.
I love to teach. I have not done that for a while but hope to do it again in the fall with jr high girls. I would love to teach and talk to them about the Lord. I believe this is a gift the Lord has given me also.
I also love to write. I used to write short stories all the time just for myself really. My family read some of them and told me to publish them. My dad thinks I should be a writer. I have been thinking about that one lately and have decided to start another blog with my short stories when the come to mind. I know, I know that is another thing to spend time on but I believe some of the short stories can appeal to the unsaved world and who knows maybe they will think about God.
So that is what I am going to do in the next few days. I am going to start another blog with just short stories from the inside of my head and my heart. Some are autobiographical some are pure fiction but the Lord has given me this gift and this is the perfect place to use it..
I will let you know when it is started if you want to know.

Summer almost over!!

Kev and I with son Bryan's family

Sister Norma and family

Sister Kellie and JaLiah

Mom and brother John

Us kids with mom

Well summer is almost over and it has been a busy one here in Charleston for this family. One more family to visit in a few weeks and then I think we have a break for a few months, WHEW! It has been wonderful spending time with all the family though.

Do not think it matters

I am at work today and I am disturbed by a sermon I heard as I entered a patients room. The minister, I guess that is who he was, was using biblical history and text to prove that Jesus was a black man. Why does this matter? Will it change my life or my salvation, NO! Will it help another person to come to Christ; I do not know. Will it save souls? That should be the real question this minister is asking himself. I am disturbed by this because the minister could have been preaching so many other things that could help encourage people to follow Christ; he could have been ministering to the lost or enlisting Christians to do the Lord's work. But he was waisting his time just to prove whether Jesus was white or black.
I guess I do not understand all this. We are all God's children! Black, white, yellow, red or any other color. Jesus died on the cross for ALL! Not for white man or black man FOR ALL. So why does this matter.

My house is quiet for about a week

Hello all. I have not been here as much because it is summer in South Carolina and all the families live up north. So we are the vacation spot. My brother -in law, his wife and three kids ranging in ages from 5-10. They were a bundle of activity really making my husband and I realize we are not young parents anymore. We went to the beach, to Cypress Gardens where we road a row boat through the swamp, back to the beach and back to the beach again. They rode the waves, played in the sand and found a record number of sand dollars, 31 to be exact! I am at work today, my husband is at home his brother left about 2 hours ago and he tells me the house is very quiet an he does not know what to do with him self.

So we have quiet for about a week then my brother comes to town then the rest of my family, (my mom, sister Kellie and her daughterJ'Leah, sister NMorma and her family). Atleast they are all staying in a beach house about an hour from me; I am going to stay with them for a few days. Then in August Kevin's sister and her family are coming down. So I will continue checking in from time to time and keep y'all updated as much as I can.

Busy as always

Summer does not change things for me. I am busy as always but with family visiting a couple times a month. This weekend my brother-in law and his family will come down for a vacation. Yes we are the vacation spot. In a few weeks my family well my brother John from Maine, my two sisters from Pittsburgh, and my mom will come down for a week. I will meet my new niece who was adopted by my brother from China last year. Then in August so far my sister-in-law and her girls are coming down....So today I have school work to do, finish cleaning the house, go grocery shopping, make dinner and finally go have some coffee with my friend Carey (that's our thing we go to have coffee, well she has coffee I have tea, at Starbucks) at least once a week. then back to work tomorrow and Saturday. All this visiting and I still have school, work and every once in a while I take time to go to the beach to listen to the waves and feel the warmth of the sun. AAAHHH gotta love summer in South Carolina.

I was thinking

I was thinking this week about a few thing and wanted to share. I was thinking about the recent deaths of celebrities. Were they Christians? Are the celebrating or suffering now? I hope they are celebrating. I always think when a celebrity dies maybe we did not know the whole picture and only saw what the journalist and news people wanted us to see. Maybe they really did know Jesus and we never knew....someday we will know...I hope I see them all there.

I have been thinking lately about volunteering for the Red Cross. I am a nurse and I love it! I think this is the profession God made me for. So I was thinking how could I use what I love to serve the Lord. Then I thought maybe I could volunteer for the Red Cross. I could use my skills and help in times of disaster and emergency. I looked it up on line and would have to take a few classes to volunteer. I talked to my husband about it today. He said it sounded like a good idea as long as I did not overwhelm my self and not have enough time for school. I am still praying about that. .....

I have been thinking about being a good witness for Jesus. I want people to know I am a Christ follower and not scare them away. I want unbelievers to be able to socialize with me and talk to me but know I am different some how. I want to make a difference.

Back from my trip

My Nana with Bryan and his family

My sweet grandson Asher

a positive attitude

I have decided I am going to have a positive attitude and just visit the family. There are issues all around me that could make me angry enough to want to punch someone and ruin my day and my trip; but I refuse to allow it. I decided I will visit my family and enjoy the time I have with each of them. I will visit my Nana, grandma, everyday I am here and then I will go home. If I dwell on the negatives it will just make me feel bad. So I choose to let the Lord deal with the negatives because he is much better at that than me. Because vengeance is His, and they will reap what they sew.
Today I had a very nice visit with my grandmother. We sat in the dining room because I was forbidden to take her even out to the porch (trying not to be angry about all this). We talked for over an hour and had a great number of laughs. yesterday we took the baby to see her and we will take him again tomorrow.
I'll post some pictures when I get back.

I have a Jerry Springer Family

I have a family that should be on Jerry Springer I swear. My brother called me last night and wanted to know if I wanted to be part of his life, but he did not want to be involved with my mother or brother and sisters. He has his reason for not wanting to talk to each of them, some are legitimate, some I think are crazy but he has his reasons. I told him I loved him and did want to be part of his life. I also told him I would not choose sides I did not want to be in the middle but I did not want to loose him. He agreed to that and hopefully I will be able to see him on this trip to Pittsburgh. (I also told my mom he called me and that I would not choose sides. She also agreed and said she would not ask me to reveal anything to her about him. She only ask if they were hurt or in trouble that I would let her know. I agreed.)

I am here in Pittsburgh mainly to see my grandmother and to bring the baby to see her. My niece is also graduating this weekend. I wanted to bring my grandmother to the graduation. I have been talking to her about it for weeks and she was excited about it. I thought I would be nice and call my aunt because she is POV now and ask permission to take my grandmother to the party. She just called me and said "NO". she said she talked to my grandmother about it and she got upset and did not want to go. (which I do not believe) She also told me she has told the nurses Nana should not be taken out on Sunday. I am crushed! I do not understand why my grandmother should suffer because me aunt has issues with me. (Issues that are all crazy and untrue) I just do not understand why someone would hurt my grandmother just to spite me.

A Broken Heart

I am the kind of person who thinks everyone should get a second chance. If I love you I am going to hang in there with you and show Gods love even when hurtful. I grew up as a child of divorce. Remarriage from my mom and dad brought me more siblings. So I really have 3 sisters, 2 half brothers and 2 step sisters. Although they are half siblings and step siblings never mattered to me they were just my siblings. I grew up with my 2 brothers in the same house. My mom always tried and succeeded for the most part to keep us together as family unit. She had to work while we were growing up but always kept the family together. My youngest brother always had a special place in my heart and still does for the most part I can not let him go. Last night mom went to the house she gave to my brother, my grandmother's house, to find that he had moved out several weeks ago and was keeping his dogs pinned up in there. The house is trashed. He did come to the house and mom with the police at her side had to have him remove all his dogs and stuff from the house. He said many, many hurtful things to my mom who has done everything for him was even willing to file for bankruptcy for him so he could have that house. Some of the hurtful things he said were aimed at other family members who did not deserve it. Although nothing was aimed at me; he did crush my other brother whom I talked to for a good while last night while he a grown man cried because of the hurtful things that were said about him and his family.
I am angry because hoe hurt my other brother, my mom and my sister but I still can not give up on him. More and more everyday it seems like he gets further and further away but still I hope he will become the brother I know and love so much again. Every day brings news of how he has hurt someone else. I could cry every time I think of him and sometimes do my heart is broken and I wonder what happened to "my brother" the kind hearted light spirited clown we all loved.

This and that and a few other things

I have been thinking about a few things.

When and why is it that the child becomes the parent?
I have noticed in the past two years with my mom that I have become more of a parent figure to her. Actually we have had a different kind of relationship all my life. Since my parents divorce when I was 11 we have had more of a friend relationship than parent-child. Sometimes she just seems to me to be acting like an unruly teenager than a grown up responsible person.

My job is very stressful at times but I absolutely love what I do. I am an oncology nurse on a busy surgical floor. We see many patients with head and neck cancers. Over the weekend I was in charge of the unit. We tend to get attached to our patients because most of them are back and forth several times or they are there for a long time. One particular patient had a few emergencies over the weekend, three to be exact. Finally at the end of the shift yesterday we sent him to one of the units. He is OK, but it also makes me feel good that I was able to see a problem arise and act on it. The team of doctors was great too; they most always treat us nurses like part of the team. That is a big plus.

I still have one more year of school fro my bachelors in nursing. In my haste to be done with all this I thought since I did not see any more classes on my roster that I was done in June. last week I got a phone call from one of the school counselors stating I needed to pick 3 elective classes. I was shocked! I told her I was done in June and she proceeded to tell me no I had 1 more year. I am done in June but 2010 not 2009! O well there goes my summer of leisure. I will be studying just like I am now.

My daughter. My daughter and her husband had a long talk. It was good. She baffles me some times. She told me she does not know why he loves her. She can not find reason in herself for him to love her. All the darkness she but herself into as a teen must have clouded her judgement and made her not like herself. Her childhood was good at least according to her twin brother who was treated exactly the same at home as she was. I know why he loves her and try to let her know that all the time because I love her too. More than words can say. Does parenting every get easier I wonder?

Dark Places

This is me, Sharon and Ethan at my son's wedding two years ago.



I spoke to my daughter today. She is not happy. It breaks my heart to hear her cry. My daughter as a child was a very perky little girl involved in church. Then teen age years came and she got into the goth thing, she dressed all in black, wore black makeup and nail polish before it was the thing to do. She also get into witch craft. I think she got much further into it than I ever thought she was. I was so blind when she was a teen. We butted heads all the time. She scared me sometimes with the things she said and did. Then she graduated high school and got went into the army. She met my son in law; they got married. He is so different from her. He also grew up in church and although he does not go to church professes to be a Christan. He is a cowboy at heart and at times very lazy. He will put off doing something until the very last minute and will not initiated anything new. Her and I got closer when she went into the army we used to write letters to each other all the time and now we talk every day. Sharon seemed to change once she got married. She wasn't so against God any more she even said she believed in God again. (I was elated!) From time to time I talk to her when she has had a fight with her husband and needs to talk. Then things get better again. Today when I talked to her she scared me again. She was talking about how she is not happy and she feels like she is being suffocated. She said she feels like she is loosing herself and does not know who she is. She told me my grandson is the only reason she has to live. She said she would never do anything to herself but, she has cut herself before when she was a teen and a few months ago she showed up with a big cut on her leg she could not explain.


I know she needs the Lord in her life she has so many demons she has let into her life and know she is fighting them everyday without the Lord. I pray for her all the time. I know the Lord loves her if only she knew!

Random Thoughts

I have been so busy lately with family, school, work and stuff that I allow to take my time like face book I haven't had much time to post. I have had several ideas of what to post from day to day but computer issues have been driving me crazy. My computer needs overhauled badly but because of school and papers to write I have been stalling at least until classes are done IN THREE WEEKS!! So I thought I would just throw out some of the random thoughts that have been in my brain.

• **My mom was rear ended by a drunk driver as she was minding her own business driving in my jeep up the interstate in West Virginia headed home to Pittsburgh. She had driven 11 hours and was only 2 hours away. Praise the Lord she was not hurt!! But I can not stop thinking thoughts about the driver of the vehicle that hit her. Did he see her? Was he sleeping or passed out? Did he try to run away? (He passed her and was headed off the interstate when his car quit.) Why do bad things happen to good people? I know there is no simple answer to that question and I will not truly understand it until I get to heaven but it lingers from to time.
• **Cell phones, I am addicted to mine. I have a black berry so I can keep up with my life. What did I do before cell phones and why is this phone so important to me. I think it is because my family all live so far away and with my phone I can be constantly connected to them. They can call me anytime or send me a message, picture or video. Just yesterday I got a video of my 3 yr old grandson singing "This little light of mine." It is darling and I have played it several times. I sometimes think do I love this phone because I am a control freak and want to have control of everything in my life including my family?
• **Face Book, started out as a web page several years ago for college age student to keep in touch with each other. What has bloomed now is a huge social network of people of all ages. Do these social network web pages hinder our day to day interactions with people because we are so used to being in our own little room typing and not face to face anymore?
• **Family. Family is the most important thing to me in this life. My husband, children and grand children and also my parents, brothers and sisters. My parents divorced in an ugly battle when I was 11. Both mom and dad remarried which added more sisters and brothers to our family. I remember as a little girl praying before I even knew Christ as my saviour to please fix my family. Well, He has. Mom, Dad and my Step mom are very much on friendly terms these days. In fact My dad and step mom traveled to WV with my sister to get all my moms stuff! But the devil is always trying to mess up the good the Lord has done. My youngest brother is in a bad relationship and he has a child. The women he is involved with has threatened to take his child away if he interacts with us. She has even suggested the child may not be his. SO we have no way to contact to him by phone. I however continue to send letters, cards and other stuff to him by mail so he knows I love him and will not give up on him.

I think that is enough random thoughts for now. I may post more later but for now I have school work to get to so I will stop. I hope all are having a great day and God's peace be with all of you.

Mom is OK

Mom is ok. She was taken to the hospital in WV by ambulance. They did scans and xrays. She has a concussion, and whip lash. She was released when my sisters got there. The driver who hit her was drunk and driving way over the speed limit. He was arresed and will be charged. I guess mom will have to press charges. According to the garage where my jeep was taken said it is totaled. I had to call a lawyer.

Mom was rear ended on her trip

Mom was rear ended in West Virginia. She was driving down highway 79 and was hit from behind. She said he hit her from behind then passed her and got off the exit. I just happened to call her because I had not heard from her. I was talking to her when the man came to the car. The police were called and mom was taken to the hospital because she hit her head an she is on blood thinners. She was taken to United Hospital in WV. My sisters are on their way to her now as I type.

My Mom

Today I completed packing my mom and all that we could fit of her stuff into my jeep so she can move back to Pittsburgh. She has lived in South Carolina for 2 years and now since my grandmother is back home mom is going back too. She cared for my grandmother for the last 16 years before she went into the nursing home. Now she is terribly lonely without my grandmother and misses her. She does not know where she will live when she gets there. She will most likely stay with one of my sisters for a while. All she knows is she can visit my grandmother everyday if she wants.. My Nana, my grandmother, is 96 years old. She asks for my mom all the time and asks where she is. So mom is going to spend time with her.

I think it is wonderful that she is going to spend time with my Nana. I will miss mom because she has been here with me for the last two years. But, I know she needs to be with my nana. I love her very much and I am proud of her.

Motorcycles

Motorcycles you may like them I do not. I did ride on a motorcycle when I was a teenager with my step father and I guess that experience scared me because I do not like them. I have a another problem with those who chose to ride with out a helmet. I know you have a right to ride without the helmet if the state law allows. I have a problem because I am a nurse; I have had patients that have been in accidents without helmets it is not pretty. The accident may not even be their fault but because they were not wearing a helmet they are now suffering a head trauma. It is not pretty. I think after buying a motorcycle everyone should get hit in the head with a hammer (rubber, I do not want to hurt anyone); then they should be told it will feel much worse when your head hits the pavement!
Why am I ranting about this now.? Well it is getting warmer and more and more motorcycles will be on the road and like I said I am a nurse so I may see these patients after an accident this summer.

I will stop ranting now and I know I ill pray for all those riding this summer!

Back to the real world

I am back home from the west coast and Sharon's house. I had a wonderful time while I was there spending much time with my grandson. It was wonderful! I got to read a whole children's Bible to him. He is such a character and can tell some stories! The funny thing is I have been home for three days two of which I worked and it seems like it was so long ago that I saw them. I will see them again hopefully in September, definitely in December for Kevin's birthday. This is the world we live in families are not right around the corner anymore. We are scattered across the globe. More and more I learn to trust God to protect my family and give me strength. I trust Him to make sure they are OK. I also trust Him to help me deal with the miles between my family and me. He is always there. I got a call from my daughter just a little while ago Ethan, she does not remember why or how, but they had a discussion about God and who he is and she told him about God! This is amazing to me because my daughter although she does believe in God does not want to live the Christan lifestyle. God is great! I pray for them everyday and everyday I pray that my grandson will know who He is and learn about him. Today a prayer was answered my daughter talked to my grandson about God! Praise YOU Lord!!!

Blessings

I am sitting here in my daughters kitchen. Ethan and Kevin are in the living room watching noggin and playing with the dogs. Just the sound of their playing makes me realize how blessed I am. God gave me my wonderful husband and because of that I have this wonderful boy to love and play with. I have a tendency sometimes to focus on the negative side of life and cry out my feelings so today I am just sharing blessings and giving thanks to the Lord for the blessings He gave me.

-30 years ago I met a wonderful man in the mountains of Pennsylvania. He was the friend of my cousin's boyfriend. We have been together ever since.

-I have two wonderful children who are both good kids.

-My children were both blessed with good mates who love them.

-I am Memaw of two great grand kids

-No matter the distance between us my family is still strong and all love each other.

-God allowed us to save some money so Kevin and I could come out here and spend time with Sharon and her family.

-Kevin and I both have good jobs and although times are bad we are still working.

-We are all healthy.

-We all have a place to live.

I could go on and on. I think I will try to make at least one blessings post a week just so I can thank God for the blessings he has given me that week.

A wonderful time

It is just past 8 am here in Oregon. Everyone is still sleeping. But I am still on east coast time I guess. Anyway, I am having a wonderful time! My grandson is a true treasure! I am so happy my precious Lord helped me to get here. I fretted so much about little things like the long plane ride or that I may have a panic attack while I was watching my grandson while my daughter and her husband were at school and work. I am happy to say I feel terrific and I am having a wonder time! Spending time with my little boy is truly a blessing and a joy! Yesterday we spent the whole day together alone it was great except for the two poop accidents in his his pants, those I did not enjoy at all. He says the cutest things. We were having a conversation about something and I ask him if he could whistle. He told me no because his voice was crocked. I laughed so hard! He also put a blanket over my head and I told him not to because I did not like that. He told it was OK you wouldn't die. O my goodness, I have been laughing everyday! He talks so much and says the silliest things.
Kevin is coming tomorrow and Ethan will be so excited he has been asking for him everyday. I can't wait for him to spend time with our precious boy.
Thank you Lord Jesus, for giving me this precious little boy to love! Thank you for allowing me to come here and thank you for giving me the strength to overcome my demons to enjoy my time here. In Your precious and Holy Name . Amen!

Spending time with my grandson

I am having a wonderful time today Ethan and I spent the morning together while my daughter and son in law went to school. It was terrific! I still have 7 and 1/2 days! Kev is coming up in 3 days for the last 4.

I am here

The flight was good and I spent the day playing with my grandson. I got a couple pictures on my phone. I'll post some as I can. Thank you all for prayers.

Going to see my daughter and family

Today is the day. I will be on the plane from 6:15 am till 2pm eastarn time. I am very excited right right now. I'll share pictures as I can.

Miss California vs Perez Hilton

I heard the back lash of this on Fox News the other night because I had not watched the Miss America pageant. I saw the response from Perez Hilton. I think this poor girl was set up. The answer she gave was what she believed. I happen to agree with her. I think a marriage should be between a man and a woman. After all that is how God mandated it in the bible. I am proud of this young woman for voicing her beliefs in such a pubic forum. I am also proud of Donald Trump for standing up for her. As for Perez's Hilton his response was childish! He resorted to name calling. After all we do live in the United States of America and we do have a constitutional right to freedom of speech. So I can voice my opinion because it is my right as can Carrie Prejean and so can Perez Hilton if he had a valid opinion and not just a tyrant of slander against a young woman who disagrees with him.

Good Day--Bad Day

I wonder what happens in the brain to make one day a good day and one day a bad day. Yesterday was a great day I woke up feeling great and had a wonderful day. This morning however I woke up feeling a little anxious. I do not know why. Nothing changed from yesterday to today. I am one day closer to go to see Sharon and I am really looking forward to it. I started taking the medication for panic attacks again just because I hate the feeling of thinking a panic attack will happen any minute. Yesterday I thought wonderful it is finally working I feel great....today I am not so sure. SO I have decided to go through my days trusting the Lord that He will keep me safe because as my pastor said in a recent sermon the quote used most in the bible is "Fear not...Do not be afraid." SO I will not. I will go to work Sun and Mon and fly to Sharon's on Tuesday and have a wonderful time.

My mom is having a rough time

My mom is having a rough time. She has taken care of my grandmother for sixteen years and my gram recently went into a nursing home in another state. Mom has been living here in SC my Nana is now in PA. I thought mom was doing good. She has a little place here and a job to provide extra income along with her social security. I just got a phone call for her and she was crying she told me she misses my grandmother (Nana) so much she can't stand it she is very lonely living by herself. She said she had been questioning God and she knew that was wrong, but she was thinking she wanted to move back to PA to be with my Nana until she dies. She wanted to know if I would be mad at her. Of course I told her I wouldn't be mad at her. I told her if she wanted to move back to PA I understand. I would never try to stop her from doing what she wanted to do. I reassured her it was OK to move where ever she wanted and if she wanted to be close to my Nana that is what she should do.
I feel so bad for her. She is so lonely. My step dad died almost 16 years ago and she moved in with my Nana shortly after that. She has never lived alone until now. So we are going to look on the web and try to find her a reasonable place to live back in PA so she can be close to Nana. Please pray for her she has some big bills up there with the utility companies because of my brother and will have to move into a different county to get utilities and there is also the fact that my brother lives there too and he has told her he never wanted to see her again. I know God will help her with this because I know He wants her to be happy and so do I.

6 Days till going to my trip

I am so looking forward to seeing my baby girl (who is 25 years old..but still my baby!) and my grandson and son-in-law! I have not seen them since Thanksgiving. I talk to her all the time but it is not the same. I wish they could live closer but o well maybe someday that wish will come true; but for now I praise the Lord that we have a wonderful relationship so we can talk everyday and that my grandson knows who I am. The look on his face when he sees me for the first time at the airport is worth the whole craziness of the flight. I plan to load up my ipod with good Christan music and a book or two to listen to while I am flying. I will also have my lap top with me to do some school work when I can. All of this after taking my Dramamine which will probably make me take a long nap while flying because I know I will not sleep the night before I never do. Anyhow thank you for your comments and prayers for this for me I appreciate them all.
I am planning a day with just me and Ethan; of course I am having a little bit of my crazy mind games about it but next Friday Ethan and I will be alone and I plan to take him till the children's museum and the carousel in town. I am, praying I do not mess this up with my panicky self.

Why do I do that???

I noticed I do this to myself I focus on something and then think I can not do that and then the fear comes in and a panic feeling starts. Why do I do that?? I am going to see my daughter next Tuesday. I am so excited to go to see her. I am not a fan of flying but I do it. Today I looked at my calender and saw my trip on the calender and thought about the flight I have to have and my stomach went crazy. I started to have that panic feeling like I could not do this. But this is something I want to do more than anything!! So why am I doing this??? Please pray for this for me so I can go to see my daughter and her family and not sabotage myself. Thank you

A good day

I had a good day today. I have been alone all day. That is a big thing for me who has been so sick and suffering from panic attacks because of it. A trip to see Bryan and the baby and my pastor helped me with this. The sermon this Sunday was all about fear and anxiety. Sometimes I wounder how he knows exactly what I am thinking. I know he does not but sometimes it really seems like he does. God uses this man in my life it is amazing to me sometimes. If you want to listen to the message you can go to http://www.pointenorth.org/ it is an awesome message. Anyhow thanks to the Lord using people like this in my life and of course my mom who has been by my side since I called her to let her know I was in the hospital. (she went home yesterday) I am doing good today and looking forward to going to work tomorrow. Every once in a while I get a twinge of fear but I am good and ready to get back into life. Thank you Lord for always being there with me and for being with me when I am in my darkest caves.

Spending time with my new grandson

I went to see my son and new grandson yesterday with my mom. I needed to get out of the house and stopbeing sick. Here are some pictures of my grandson Asher, My son and daughter in law.